A Modern Woman on the Move

in hot pursuit of the great green light…

Posts Tagged ‘love

It Would Mean A Lot To Me

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Those of you who have known me for awhile, well, this won’t be news to you, but may be, perhaps, a good reminder. For the past 5 years, I have volunteered as an organizer for the Portland Zine Symposium, which is finally peaking again this weekend with the main event: The 11th Annual Portland Zine Symposium.

There have been a few outreach events the last couple months, but this weekend is the actual convention. Every year, I, along with my fellow organizers, work incredibly hard to put the Portland Zine Symposium together.

We don’t always do everything perfectly, we don’t give ourselves fancy titles within our group, like “President” or “Director,” but we all work our collective fingers to the bone to make it happen. We take on jobs, each to our ability and availability. We brainstorm, we plan, we write, we outreach, we laugh, we get frustrated, we cry, we organize, we lose sleep, we just do it until it’s done… And, somehow, it all comes together.

This year, we moved to an entirely different location, The Refuge. We did this because we didn’t want to do the Stott Gym again, for a variety of reasons, and we didn’t have the guarantee of the Smith Ballroom. In fact, we were told, it would probably be unavailable to us. We couldn’t’ wait to find that out, but we got still got the space we were moving to confirmed very late. We only have two rooms for workshops this year in this new space. We only have room for about 80 tables and our sold out with a waiting list again this year. All details that are hard, but you have to make do with what you have and press on. As Alex has noted, we are facing a problem most zine fests confront, finding a space within our means. And, to be more specific, finding a space within our means to host our community event in a way that can include the community we attempt to serve. That means, a space big enough, planned with enough time, that is cheap enough that we don’t have to jack up our tabling prices, finding other ways to increase funding (outreach/fund-raising events, fund-raising projects, etc).

We all have responsibilities for PZS. We all also work, go to school, and/or try to maintain some semblance of a social/love life to maintain our sanity. One of us became very sick this year and has been in and out of the hospital, about to undergo more surgery just before PZS. Another one of us is married to that one of us that has been having these health issues. Another has been traveling quite a bit. We need help, but a lot of people are happy we exist for them to attend the event. Without knowing what it takes to do the work to put it together, without knowing what goes into it… While thinking they just don’t have the time, while thinking they don’t know enough to help, while thinking it’s not their problem. So, when I say that we all work our collective fingers to the bone to make it happen, I mean it. When I say that we brainstorm, we plan, we write, we outreach, we laugh, we get frustrated, we cry, we organize, we lose sleep, we just do it until it’s done… I mean it.

And, somehow, it all comes together.

People have been asking me for year how I find the time to do all the projects I do. I only have one answer, I MAKE THE TIME. Unfortunately, there is no magical wizard that stops clocks for me, granting me just a few more hours in a day than you, I only have the time that I make.

Now, I don’t begrudge anyone the idea that they don’t do what I do. I understand that people are different than me, I accept it. I wouldn’t ask you to do what I do. Odds are, you are really amazing at something you do that I couldn’t even imagine excelling at doing…

I only ask for consideration.

Please, consider attending the Portland Zine Symposium this weekend. I could tell you, “Look, see how many talented people will be there?” Or I could say, “Look, see all the workshops and panels there will be to go to for free?” Or, I could even say, “Hey, did you know there is free food and cool prized at the Portland Zine Symposium?

But, honestly, if you are someone I know who imagines that we are at all friends, please consider attending the Portland Zine Symposium and one of its events sometime this weekend because I work really, really hard on it every year because it is reallyimportant to me. If I know you, it would mean a lot to me to see you there.

Written by lovemotionstory

August 4, 2011 at 1:42 pm

Give Love

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Feeling terribly squishy and like sharing one key idea that has been spinning in my brain the last couple of weeks, as I have had a steady flow of loving partners and friends in my life just being amazing the last few months…

Give love, accept only love.

It is amazing what happens in life when you give love freely. If you give more love, more love comes your way. Give kindness and you will find more kindness. Give laughter and you won’t be able to stop giggling and smiling with your loves. Loving people exist. Don’t be tricked by the media and popular ideas of relationships in society. Love does not need to be hard. Love does not need to be dramatic.

There are people in the world who will hear you having a problem and offer their honest support without strings attached and with true honesty… Or they will offer their accountability, if your problem involved them or something they had done, in a responsible way without being defensive or combative. There are people in the world who will love you and accept your love without becoming proprietary or controlling. There are people in this world who will hear your needs if you’re brave enough to just ask! They may not be able to meet them, but you only have a chance to get what you want if you’re honest about it.

You don’t have to accept people into your life who habitually lie. You don’t have to accept people into your life who cross your boundaries. You don’t have to accept people into your life who seek to control you. You don’t have to accept people into your life who are apathetic. Tell them good luck and move on because there are loving people in the world who give their compassion and support freely if you would only not settle for less. If you would only wait for yourself and another loving person to find one another. Reject those that seek to control or hurt you because they are marginalized and hurt, so it is all they know and all they have to give.

And to not accept those who would hurt you? Fuck, let me tell you straight up, it is so empowering. You don’t need anything less than love and, when you decide and follow through on that idea, you are loving yourself. You are affirming to yourself that you truly deserve nothing less than love.

Find love and wrap yourself in it, it becomes exponential. Accept only love and you will find plenty of it and any problems that come your way outside of your close, loved one won’t be as painful because you will have the love of those close to you to cushion any blows that you experience from the rest of the world.

Yes, I know that I may be dismissed writing things like thus as a total hippie… But really, what’s more punk rock and radical than love and happiness outside the dramatic, painful shit that we’ve been taught by mainstream society? Forget abuse, forget control, forget feeling proprietary, forget love-hoarding, forget shaming, forget manipulation, forget dishonesty! Save your fighting for a cause you believe in, it has no place in your loving relationships.

Accept love, give love… Then love can be infinite.

Polyamoury symbol as drawn by Patrick Kelly
(thanks again, man, this is way better
than the other ones floating around on the internet)

Written by lovemotionstory

August 2, 2011 at 2:01 pm

What I am making time for…

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We only have the time we’re willing to make.

I haven’t been to Jazzkat’s Coffee Bar in ages, because I don’t live or work near there. So, I made sure make the time to go there today and it’s still as awesome as ever. I love you Whitney Baskins! Plus, do all my vegan friends know that a new vegan tattoo joint has opened up around the corner? When I got to Jazzkat’s today, Whitney walked me around the corner to introduce me to the new vegan tattoo shop owners of Ritual Art Tattoo and Body Piecing, which happens to be a queer-owned vegan tattoo place, no less. There is another empty space next to Whitney’s for rent, so I was joking to her that we needed to get another vegan shop there to create a second vegan mini-mall. Maybe FoodFight needs a second location? There are already a couple grocery stores in the neighborhood though. Since Whitney’s place has coffee and sandwiches, I wouldn’t want to see something that competed with her.Maybe another Herbivore? Hm..

Anyways, I have been working harder to re-socialize myself, making time and spending time with friends I have neglected the last year and half. I had coffee with Noah last week and it was the first time I had seen him in forever. It felt so good to sit and talk, it also seemed that we had some mirroring experiences since the last time we’d really hung hung out. I also had an affirming get together with a guy I dated off and on for a year before the big-bad-ex, in which he apologized for not being a better friend while he had starting dating someone else. I had gone into meeting him expecting to still be mad but hoping to make amends, so I was pleasantly surprised when we talked and I felt he was sincerely reaching out to me. I tried explained to him that I could understand where he was coming from because I had neglected a lot of my friends while I was doing a big, unhealthy thing for over a year, so it would be pretty hypocritical not to try to offer a bit of forgiveness and understanding for his attempt at reconnection… But I would also like to be friends with him anyways, which is why it hurt to feel like it didn’t matter to him before. So, yeah, all kinds of resolutions happening, all kinds of reconnecting, all kinds of new connections.

There are some new connections happening too, which are interesting. I am dating a boy who actually is enthusiastically poly and already has a relationship going with another lady long before me, which is actually a new position for me. I am usually the lady that’s already with the guy, navigating the new ladies in the guy’s life. And often the guys haven’t been good at being honest and open with their other goings on and the ladies haven’t been very friendly to the relationship that already existed. So, in a weird way, I feel I am getting to be the kind of woman I would have liked to see in my life and I am really loving the opportunity. The other lady came to Trek in the Park with us, then her and I had coffee last week, then we all had coffee yesterday. There are some obstacles for us, mainly that she has a couple of guy friends in her life that I had bad interactions with a few years ago (I am not a fan of them and, as a result, they are not a fan of me) and that poly is still very new to her. If there has ever been one universal motivator for me, it’s been to succeed in spite of other people’s negativity or bad shit in the past. There is also the idea that polyamorous relationships are different for each set of people trying to have them, so even if the boy and his lady weren’t at all new to this, we’d still have a lot to navigate and sort out between us and I have been just blown away with the level of communication and open-heartedness from both of them.

In other news, the ocean-themed submissions deadline for Stumptown Underground is just around the corner (July 23rd) and I hope you all make time to submit to it. The submissions for the summer-themed issue were low enough and we’ve been so behind on things within SU, that is looks like we’re may combine the summer and ocean issues.

I completed the PZS 3rd Annual 24hr Zine Challenge this past weekend, but I kind of hate what I made. So, unless you sponsored me for the challenge, donating $10 or more to the Portland Zine Symposium, you probably won’t ever see this zine. I have more thoughts about the 24hr Zine Challenge for another post soo

Also, we’re doing the bike-in movie night again for PZS this year, this time with Whiffies new mobile, yellow beast. We had an open vote on the movie this year, which has finished and Triplets of Belleville was chosen! The bike-in movie night is happening on July 29th, you should all probably come.

In slighted related music listening linkage, here is a kind of dorky song I am have been liking…

Mixing…

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A mix I made, for you to download. – http://wikisend.com/download/612598/WhenWillTheWoundsHeal.m4a

This is the playlist…

1 Wet And Rusting by Menomena
2 Long Knives by Rainer Maria
3 I’m Not Calling You A Liar by Florence and the Machine
4 As Tall As Cliffs by Margot & the Nuclear So and So’s
5 Keep On Runnin’ by Cat Power
6 I Don’t Believe You by The Magnetic Fields
7 Then If I’m Weird I Want To Share by Tender Forever
8 Fidelity by Regina Spektor
9 Paper Bag by Fiona Apple
10 My Body Is A Cage by The Arcade Fire
11 Ears Ring by Rainer Maria
12 Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right by Bob Dylan
13 Feeling Neglected? by Rainer Maria
14 True Affetion by The Blow
15 Something Grown Together by Flobots
16 Fix You by Coldplay
17 The Reason the Night is Long by Rainer Maria
18 You Ruined Everything by Jonathon Coulton
19 I Think I’m in Love by The Moldy Peaches
20 Why Do You Love Me So Much by Frida Hyvönen
21 Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros


If you like any of the songs a lot, you can hit me up for them on dropbox or even via email..

Update: I decided to go libsyn and make this and future mixes into a podcast…

http://notesonbluewings.libsyn.com/when-will-the-wounds-heal

Follow through.

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Finally drawing the lines my counselor has suggested to get back to being me and being okay. I have lived for over a year thinking I deserved all of this and not even realizing what I was letting happen. Growing up with an abusive alcoholic means that unhealthy relationships can sneak up on you even when you think you’ve grown up and set good standards for yourself…

I let someone else’s anger and risky behavior infect me, but I am trying to cleanse now. I asked my primary partner to move out so I can have my house and my space back. It’s been years since I wanted someone so close to me and I feel so frustrated that I picked that someone so poorly, but he really played off of all my issues. It was so hard to see, however, because he could be so fun and so exciting. I always wanted to give him a clean slate of forgiveness and push forward to the next good time, but you can’t keep having good times with someone who has a need to fail at love so intensely….

And every time I tried to talk about it with anyone, I was shamed about it or made to feel guilty until I was so wrapped up in it I couldn’t see straight. For those of you who fault others for not being more private, I know you’ll hate that I am posting this, but I am me and I need to have a voice to recover from being sucked into such an abusive relationship. I had done so well in romance before, not to say every love was a success or that I hadn’t been dumped before, but just to say I wasn’t with anyone who was so blatantly an alcoholic and so cruel to me when I was hurting. I am so disappointed in myself that, after years of being an adult, I succumbed to this. To being with someone who crossed my boundaries, who pushed me, who got angry and yelled at me when I was sad, who would lie to me so often that I started lying too, who would insult me in fights, who would insult me just for being myself, who got so deep into my life that I don’t even know how to begin unraveling it. I was so clearly his rebound from an abusive relationship that he was still reliving, but I really thought that I could help. I should have known that it was bad for me the very first time he ever yelled at me in anger while I was crying. Or perhaps when he showed up drunk at a karaoke place while I was on a date and tried to embarrass me. That was 3 months into our relationship and I should have stopped there, but I was already in love and I thought we could work through his issues. Instead a lot of his issues became mine and changed my behavior in negative ways that I don’t even want to begin to think about… But I do everyday and those changes have been a huge wakeup call for me. I don’t want to be that person.

Looking back, it’s really embarrassing. I was so clearly trying to win the love of someone who was hurting me because I was not me when he yelled at me and treated me that way, I became that abused child again and all I could think was, “Just try harder.” It’s embarrassing and scary to be reminded that person is still in me, able to be brought out when I hook up with a partner that feeds into my issues. I am glad that I went so long not being that person, but she’s still in there.

There were good times and I hope to hold onto them as my memories of us. Ultimately, he can be so kind and has good intentions. I hope he learns to be with someone closely without anger and resentment one day because he is capable of so much good. He can be so much fun and was very great in bed. He taught me a lot of new things about myself that are fun and interesting. I am very thankful to have had him in my life, even though we didn’t do a very good job with each other, especially toward the end. This was the longest relationship I’ve ever had and I will miss a lot about him and even about living with him.

Now I just want to breath again.

Written by lovemotionstory

February 16, 2011 at 10:29 am