A Modern Woman on the Move

in hot pursuit of the great green light…

Posts Tagged ‘breakups

These days, I don’t sleep for fun. And also for zines.

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Things are going pretty awesomely the last couple months. I am getting back on track in putting myself into PZS and SU, as well as having some fun times with friends.

Last night, I slept from 3am to 6am, so that I could finish coloring a drawing…

 

Basically, I imported a scan of the drawing into Illustrator, made a live trace of the black lines with a few tweaks, then colored it in Photoshop by sampling from pictures of real things… This was a real fun coloring experiment for me…

The pea’s pod coloring was sampled from a photos of a real pea pod. One person’s skin was from a photo of a real peach, another’s from a photo of a pale white rose, and the third’s from photos of coffee beans. The red hair color was sampled from a photo of a orange rose with yellow and red accents, the blonde-ish hair was taken from a photo of yellow beans. The background blue was sampled from a photo of raindrops on glass, the darker blue was taken from a dark blue butterfly’s wings. The cloud swirls’ color was from a photo of very light blue and white clouds. After cutting out chunks of each of the photos, I cloned them a bazillion times in Photoshop, then I smudged them a bit, depending on how textured the sample was versus how textured I wanted it to look. It took quite a long time, but I really had fun with it.

The release party for the issue that this is the cover of (“Peas in a Pod”) is tonight, which is also a music show! If you’re not doing anything, you should come celebrate zines and fun music with us at The Saratoga. The issues will also each be a dollar off, for tonight at the release party only.

The next deadlines for Stumptown Underground are June 23rd for summer-themed submissions and July 23rd for ocean-themed submissions. More info here: http://www.stumptownunderground.com/2011/04/issue-19-20-summer-the-ocean/

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Mixing…

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A mix I made, for you to download. – http://wikisend.com/download/612598/WhenWillTheWoundsHeal.m4a

This is the playlist…

1 Wet And Rusting by Menomena
2 Long Knives by Rainer Maria
3 I’m Not Calling You A Liar by Florence and the Machine
4 As Tall As Cliffs by Margot & the Nuclear So and So’s
5 Keep On Runnin’ by Cat Power
6 I Don’t Believe You by The Magnetic Fields
7 Then If I’m Weird I Want To Share by Tender Forever
8 Fidelity by Regina Spektor
9 Paper Bag by Fiona Apple
10 My Body Is A Cage by The Arcade Fire
11 Ears Ring by Rainer Maria
12 Don’t Think Twice, It’s All Right by Bob Dylan
13 Feeling Neglected? by Rainer Maria
14 True Affetion by The Blow
15 Something Grown Together by Flobots
16 Fix You by Coldplay
17 The Reason the Night is Long by Rainer Maria
18 You Ruined Everything by Jonathon Coulton
19 I Think I’m in Love by The Moldy Peaches
20 Why Do You Love Me So Much by Frida Hyvönen
21 Home by Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros


If you like any of the songs a lot, you can hit me up for them on dropbox or even via email..

Update: I decided to go libsyn and make this and future mixes into a podcast…

http://notesonbluewings.libsyn.com/when-will-the-wounds-heal

DOOM’d Daddy

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Katy O’Brien and I collaborated on a comic for the video games issue of Stumptown Underground, “Game On!” I wrote it, I laid it out, Katy drew it…

 I love Katy’s drawing style (though this is a departure from her usual anthropomorphic characters) and it was so cool to collaborate with my best friend on a personal piece.

Our next deadline is for our breakups issue, February 23rd. Submissions are totally open and the editors all vote on each submission, providing feedback to all potential contributors.

Written by lovemotionstory

February 21, 2011 at 10:49 am

Follow through.

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Finally drawing the lines my counselor has suggested to get back to being me and being okay. I have lived for over a year thinking I deserved all of this and not even realizing what I was letting happen. Growing up with an abusive alcoholic means that unhealthy relationships can sneak up on you even when you think you’ve grown up and set good standards for yourself…

I let someone else’s anger and risky behavior infect me, but I am trying to cleanse now. I asked my primary partner to move out so I can have my house and my space back. It’s been years since I wanted someone so close to me and I feel so frustrated that I picked that someone so poorly, but he really played off of all my issues. It was so hard to see, however, because he could be so fun and so exciting. I always wanted to give him a clean slate of forgiveness and push forward to the next good time, but you can’t keep having good times with someone who has a need to fail at love so intensely….

And every time I tried to talk about it with anyone, I was shamed about it or made to feel guilty until I was so wrapped up in it I couldn’t see straight. For those of you who fault others for not being more private, I know you’ll hate that I am posting this, but I am me and I need to have a voice to recover from being sucked into such an abusive relationship. I had done so well in romance before, not to say every love was a success or that I hadn’t been dumped before, but just to say I wasn’t with anyone who was so blatantly an alcoholic and so cruel to me when I was hurting. I am so disappointed in myself that, after years of being an adult, I succumbed to this. To being with someone who crossed my boundaries, who pushed me, who got angry and yelled at me when I was sad, who would lie to me so often that I started lying too, who would insult me in fights, who would insult me just for being myself, who got so deep into my life that I don’t even know how to begin unraveling it. I was so clearly his rebound from an abusive relationship that he was still reliving, but I really thought that I could help. I should have known that it was bad for me the very first time he ever yelled at me in anger while I was crying. Or perhaps when he showed up drunk at a karaoke place while I was on a date and tried to embarrass me. That was 3 months into our relationship and I should have stopped there, but I was already in love and I thought we could work through his issues. Instead a lot of his issues became mine and changed my behavior in negative ways that I don’t even want to begin to think about… But I do everyday and those changes have been a huge wakeup call for me. I don’t want to be that person.

Looking back, it’s really embarrassing. I was so clearly trying to win the love of someone who was hurting me because I was not me when he yelled at me and treated me that way, I became that abused child again and all I could think was, “Just try harder.” It’s embarrassing and scary to be reminded that person is still in me, able to be brought out when I hook up with a partner that feeds into my issues. I am glad that I went so long not being that person, but she’s still in there.

There were good times and I hope to hold onto them as my memories of us. Ultimately, he can be so kind and has good intentions. I hope he learns to be with someone closely without anger and resentment one day because he is capable of so much good. He can be so much fun and was very great in bed. He taught me a lot of new things about myself that are fun and interesting. I am very thankful to have had him in my life, even though we didn’t do a very good job with each other, especially toward the end. This was the longest relationship I’ve ever had and I will miss a lot about him and even about living with him.

Now I just want to breath again.

Written by lovemotionstory

February 16, 2011 at 10:29 am