A Modern Woman on the Move

in hot pursuit of the great green light…

Posts Tagged ‘abuse

Tres Corazones Después Año

leave a comment »

A lot of people feel grouchy about Valentine’s Day and I get it, I really do. I have not always been happy about love, nor have I always had good relationships. Plus, in a capitalist, oppressive, heteronormative culture, holidays like Valentine’s Day can feel like just another obnoxious reason people are trying to get you to buy things…

However, I am seriously into love, celebration, and giving.

For a winter holiday present (or, I suppose you could say. a Christmas gift) in 2013, I made both Matt and Marco a zine, The 3 of Us. For Valentine’s Day, or The Infamous Love Day, I also handmade them a little surprise…

Last year, just before The Infamous Love Day, two of my partners, Matt and Marco had just moved into an apartment together, becoming more than metamours, now they were housemates. I was so thrilled that these two dudes loved me and were confidant and close enough not to be bothered by the expectations that society puts on them. To not view each other as competition, to not be worried that people will think they’re gay, but to think highly of each other and value each other as friends on a deep level, so much so that they decided to become housemates. To celebrate The Infamous Love Day, I wanted to delight in the the space they were sharing and make them both feel special and appreciated. So, I made a lot of little paper hearts. On sparkly construction paper,  writing on each one some quality that I loved about one of them and I hid them all over their new space!

lotsofheart mattmarcohearts

A year later, I find myself sharing that same space with them. To me, this was a really big deal. I have only had two experiences living with partners and neither were very good. One was when I was 19, the other when I was 26, and it was an incredibly abusive and unhealthy situation with Andy Johnson. I found myself staying with the family I nannied for as a safety caution while waiting until Andy moved out of the house I lived in. So, a commitment I have had to myself since then was that I would NOT live with another partner again unless I was moving in with more than one partner. I felt this way partially because a big component of that ex’s abuse was his jealousy. The first time he assaulted me, he was blackout drunk and he had come to where I was on a date to confront me. Because he agreed to have an ethically non monogamous relationship with me and I am super into openness/honesty,   he knew exactly where I was. After making a scene in the bar, he followed me outside,  pushing me against a wall to yell at me about the mistakes I was making. From there, during the relationship, his jealousy only got worse and more hateful and more destructive. Being in a relationship like that can really eat away at your trust with yourself, so I felt like making the commitment that I wouldn’t move in with another partner unless it was multiple partners was important for two reasons. The first reason being that, ultimately, I want to live in a poly-family type of household, so why make a big commitment like moving in with anyone unless they share that value? Secondly, I don’t want to be with anyone violently jealous again, and making the commitment to move in with me and another partner of mine (hopefully) would mean that the potential partners I would be moving in with would not be violent (much less violently jealous). If one of them turned out to be, at least I would have a closer witness this time (though a few people got to witness Andy’s violent abuse despite not living with us).  The thing about having been with an abusive partner is that there remains with you a doubt in your own judgement. Even when a relationship seems great, I still feel worried in the back of my mind that everything will fall apart at any moment.

While we’ve had our own hurdles to clear the last year, I really feel like my home is with Matt and Marco. We find ourselves gardening together, building a couch together, planning our futures, working on an autobio poly comic, working on an empowerment app, and more. I feel this space and that my relationship with the two of them is really constructive. This mix I’ve made for them is an attempt at capturing our feelings and journey over the last year as a story that is told as a mix… <3

Tres Corazones Después Año: A Love Day Mix for Matt and Marco – https://db.tt/3GtjD8iX  (it’s one mp3 file, because I seriously mixed it y’all)

1. I Feel It In My Heart – Talking Heads
2. Rebel Girl – Bikini Kill
3. Joan Of Arc – Arcade Fire
4. Love Is Dangerous – French Horn Rebellion
5. Sweaty (Shazam Remix) – Muscles
6. Mommy Complex – Peaches
7. I Can Change – LCD Soundsystem
8. Myth – Beach House
9. Good Intent – Kimbra
10. Forever – HAIM
11. The Reason The Night Is Long – Rainer Maria
12. Step Up – Hercules
13. Little Shadow – Yeah Yeah Yeahs
14. Running Up That Hill – Kate Bush
15. This Too Shall Pass – OK Go
16. You’ll Find A Way – Santigold
17. Vaporize – Broken Bells
18. I Don’t Know What The Weather Will Be – Laura Mvula
19. The Good Thing – Talking Heads

Advertisements

Follow through.

with 9 comments

Finally drawing the lines my counselor has suggested to get back to being me and being okay. I have lived for over a year thinking I deserved all of this and not even realizing what I was letting happen. Growing up with an abusive alcoholic means that unhealthy relationships can sneak up on you even when you think you’ve grown up and set good standards for yourself…

I let someone else’s anger and risky behavior infect me, but I am trying to cleanse now. I asked my primary partner to move out so I can have my house and my space back. It’s been years since I wanted someone so close to me and I feel so frustrated that I picked that someone so poorly, but he really played off of all my issues. It was so hard to see, however, because he could be so fun and so exciting. I always wanted to give him a clean slate of forgiveness and push forward to the next good time, but you can’t keep having good times with someone who has a need to fail at love so intensely….

And every time I tried to talk about it with anyone, I was shamed about it or made to feel guilty until I was so wrapped up in it I couldn’t see straight. For those of you who fault others for not being more private, I know you’ll hate that I am posting this, but I am me and I need to have a voice to recover from being sucked into such an abusive relationship. I had done so well in romance before, not to say every love was a success or that I hadn’t been dumped before, but just to say I wasn’t with anyone who was so blatantly an alcoholic and so cruel to me when I was hurting. I am so disappointed in myself that, after years of being an adult, I succumbed to this. To being with someone who crossed my boundaries, who pushed me, who got angry and yelled at me when I was sad, who would lie to me so often that I started lying too, who would insult me in fights, who would insult me just for being myself, who got so deep into my life that I don’t even know how to begin unraveling it. I was so clearly his rebound from an abusive relationship that he was still reliving, but I really thought that I could help. I should have known that it was bad for me the very first time he ever yelled at me in anger while I was crying. Or perhaps when he showed up drunk at a karaoke place while I was on a date and tried to embarrass me. That was 3 months into our relationship and I should have stopped there, but I was already in love and I thought we could work through his issues. Instead a lot of his issues became mine and changed my behavior in negative ways that I don’t even want to begin to think about… But I do everyday and those changes have been a huge wakeup call for me. I don’t want to be that person.

Looking back, it’s really embarrassing. I was so clearly trying to win the love of someone who was hurting me because I was not me when he yelled at me and treated me that way, I became that abused child again and all I could think was, “Just try harder.” It’s embarrassing and scary to be reminded that person is still in me, able to be brought out when I hook up with a partner that feeds into my issues. I am glad that I went so long not being that person, but she’s still in there.

There were good times and I hope to hold onto them as my memories of us. Ultimately, he can be so kind and has good intentions. I hope he learns to be with someone closely without anger and resentment one day because he is capable of so much good. He can be so much fun and was very great in bed. He taught me a lot of new things about myself that are fun and interesting. I am very thankful to have had him in my life, even though we didn’t do a very good job with each other, especially toward the end. This was the longest relationship I’ve ever had and I will miss a lot about him and even about living with him.

Now I just want to breath again.

Written by lovemotionstory

February 16, 2011 at 10:29 am