A Modern Woman on the Move

in hot pursuit of the great green light…

Archive for the ‘me’ Category

Teaching is the best 4EVAR

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Yesterday, I had my first day of Zines Class at the middle school I work at. I am so excited for this batch of potential new zinesters and I still have returning students, which always makes me feel so accomplished! This afternoon, I’m teaching Debate and then Puzzles and Games… I love life.

Have I shown y’all the posters that I’ve made for the classes I teach in order to boost enrollment? One features art from Katy Ellis O’Brien, another from Matthew Rainwater, but the Puzzles and Games poster is cheesy photo style, featuring images of girls playing games. The photos amounted to about 2 hours worth of googling, I’m hoping to subtly recruit more girls! Getting kids interested in SUN is really important to me, a lot of SUN classes make up for the lack of arts programs during the school day, as well as help the young people in the school have a constructive place to go with purpose (school work support, skill-building, community-developing) in the afternoons.

DebateClassSUNPoster  ZineClassSUNPoster  PuzzlesGamesClassSUNPoster

 

I am really excited about ANOTHER year teaching at the school I’ve already spent three years teaching within. I am also really happy to be put in charge of yet another class, Puzzles and Games. I had told the director of the SUN program I work for (who is a really amazing, hardworking lady, you wouldn’t believe how much this woman juggles), that I was really interesting in teaching this more recreational class last year, so I am incredibly flattered and excited it’s now on my plate!

I am hoping to teach a leadership class this year as well, where I can feature some material from Stay Solid!

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Written by lovemotionstory

October 2, 2013 at 12:46 pm

Being Myself

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The older I get, the more I am fully myself and live the life I want to live, because I have confronted myself and my inner workings. I have confronted my biases (granted, my identities force me to because there is a lot around me that would have me be biased and hate on myself) and I see that they are an issue to be constantly tackled. And the more I am fully myself, the more people simultaneously admire me for being myself while also trying to shame me for being myself.

Let me tell you this:

I rather be myself (happy, realizing my dreams, getting things done in my communities). I rather be sincere, honest, and confronting hard questions within myself and of those around me. I rather be true myself and my values than to be quietly, unhappily conformist and avoidant.

Confronting life is how you let go of what is hard. It can feel painful because we are so often taught to keep our heads down and so many have issues being direct and dealing with honesty, but that is how you come to a real understanding with the folks around you. By confronting and addressing your differences. If you are really incompatible, you don’t have to be around each other, but, if you seek to share space, you gotta work that stuff out by confronting and respecting differences.

Written by lovemotionstory

August 2, 2013 at 12:15 am

The most beautiful of rocky paths, meaningful to experience, difficult to navigate.

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The last few weeks this song keeps playing in my head! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12zPU-8bsTE

I keep thinking about going to see Gossip live with friends, and holding hands with two partners during this song and feeling like I was home.

Life is very wonderful, I feel so sentimental all the time, as everything keeps settling into place. I really like getting older. All the ideas I have been working toward seem to finally be a bigger reality in my life. I feel empowered and loved by friends, bosses, lovers, and community. Now, I really just need to catch up on more of my projects. If only.

Actually, quite frankly, I have been catching up and doing better because I have two strong relationships of people who are understand what I do and why and helping. Just the other day, Matt sat with me for a little while before I went to teach debate, helping me look up and write down facts about fast food and NPLAN’s “Healthy Food Zones” around schools for the debate my class wanted to have about fast food and whether or not fast food should be allowed near schools. He seemed to actually care and like it. Which is fucking awesome. He is such a sincere, giving, and caring person. I really love him.

Now, while a lot of things are so dreamy in parts of my life, there is an area that has become more complicated and taking downward turns.

It is so challenging, sometimes, this loving of more than one person at once, with dedication and commitment. Especially when you work hard to build community among your lovers because you are committed to it… Community around these relationships is so important to me, because, for me, it fosters commitment, growth, and constructiveness. I feel it also empowers each of us, building a deep network of trust and support.

Someone came along who just doesn’t seem to get it, however, but I fell for them anyways. And I might not have quite realized this is what was happening until my heart and the hearts of my other lovers have already made so much room for the this person that I fell for, I don’t think I really realized that he didn’t quite get it, maybe because this someone has always seemed to really want to get it.

And we are all hurting  because this person, this person that has been having trouble getting what my relationship and polyamorous community goals are and this person has fallen for someone else who also doesn’t seem to get it. There are big checking in and communicating gaps. There is is a lack of empathy and effort for truly growing a close relationship between all of us, and only some of it may be due to both of this person and their new lover’s school schedule demands.

I have a lot of effort and empathy coming in from my other lovers to try and help me have perspective and constructive actions, a lot of them advocating for this someone, myself, our relationship, and even this other person. Meanwhile, I hear from this someone that their lover, this other person, like’s playing “Devil’s Advocate” when talking to this person about our relationship. Their remarks seem cold and unsympathetic. The opposite of what my support network, my other lovers, do when I confide in them regarding this person and this other person.  I have come to feel there is a lack of commitment and support. This really hurts me, in partnership with their lack of warmth and reaching out. I am trying really hard not to take it personally. I recognize this other person is new to all of this and has an intense school schedule, but I fear this other person won’t ever be that way and I am not about to demand it, that doesn’t seem constructive. And I don’t want to demand anything, I want to be with people who want to have relationships they way that I want to have relationships and are committed to only pursuing other people who want to have relationships in a similar, compatible way. I have communicated, but I won’t demand. Instead, I wait and see if things sort themselves out with some more time… With a general feeling of preparing myself to walk away.

I perceive that my reaching out, explaining what is bothering me and what I need, etc. hasn’t really seem to be making many dents in these issues. I fear there are fundamental incompatibilities and I am ready to let go, but I did make commitments to this someone and I see effort on their part and even on the part of this other person. Or, at least, I have in my mind, as I tend to be terribly loyal and dedicated. It hurts not to feel that returned in a way I relate to. So, my plan is mostly just to take the space I need for now so that it is less painful, to listen to Kimbra’s “Settle Down” (which seems to somehow capture the feeling I have about the situation well), and to wait. To wait, hoping it will all pass somehow. Waiting and trying to get the pieces in place or to at least be patient enough for the pieces to fall into place, in the spirit of love and commitment…

And this is why I have tried to become so careful in relationships, because (through much trial and error) I have clear ideas and philosophies regarding what I want in my polyamorous relationships. Once I have a committed relationship, I attempt to take everything else carefully and slowly. I get so terribly involved and I can be very sensitive because I desire closeness and community among my lovers and their lovers.

So, yeah. Kimbra….

Written by lovemotionstory

November 30, 2012 at 5:46 pm

State of My Heart….

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I am really happy to be in serious relationships and dating people who are wonderful and mature, who hang out together and such, the past couple of months. It feels so wonderful.

I am also glad I can post on facebook about cute baristas or work on my projects and stuff without an insecure partner claiming I am being weird (slut-shaming is lame) or that I am ignoring them (seriously, I had a partner crying at me at PZS because I wasn’t paying enough attention to them, but then also didn’t come and hang out with me positively at the big event, it was mind-boggling how ridiculous the demands on my time were).

When you’ve been in weird, bullying relationships, it’s hard to reset your radar. Also, sometimes people wish they were more secure than they actually are or they wish they behaved more healthily than they actually are, so the lack of maturity and the unhealthy behavior comes out slowly over time. Here’s to taking life purposefully (which sometimes means slowly) and adventurously, building the life you want with people who will love and support you as an individual!

Written by lovemotionstory

November 7, 2012 at 2:18 pm

I work with amazing people!

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So, yesterday was my first day leading middle schoolers in debate in the extended day program that I work for! It was really, crazy awesome. Last year, I proposed to the old director f0r the program I work for that I facilitate a debate class and he said he would love that. This year, there is a new director who totally went along with it too, I am so thankful he left her good notes about all this and that he is interested in the debate class and extending my time for comics class…

I have been teaching comics/zines in this program for the last two years, as a one-hour class. I kept suggesting a two-hour block for this class, and, this year, I also finally got the extra time! Today is the first day of the comics class for this year, as a two-hour class! I am so excited for more time so my students and I can flesh out and refine their comics this term for their big, comic’s class zine.

To top it off, the program has a new director is a really wonderful woman. I always admired the relationship the old director of the extended day program seem to have with all the students and faculty, how patient he was with everyone, how positive he was with everyone, and how hard he worked at such a challenging job. The new director seems to be completely apt to fill his shoes. Every time I saw her, she is so thoughtful, kind, and witty. And, this afternoon, she sent em this really nice email!!!

Hi Blue,
I just wanted to acknowledge the fact that you are AWESOME. :) Thank you so much for being so on-the-ball yesterday and for your flexibility and patience as I figure out how to balance everybody’s needs in our program. This first week has, thus far, been pretty frantic. My saving grace is that I have several instructors– such as yourself– who know what they’re doing and do it well. I do apologize for not being as present to you yesterday as I would have liked to be. Thanks for letting me know about the pens you’ll need for Comics. I will try to get those as soon as possible. And thanks for being on time, prepared, and terrific. I hope Debate continues to be a great experience for you and the students. Please know that, although I may seem like I’m in a frenzy, I am noticing the wonderful job that you’re doing.
Thanks a lot, and see you this afternoon!

I seriously can’t believe all the luck I have had the last few years in work! In nannying, I work for some of the most strong, intelligent, caring, respectful, and thoughtful parents who, of course, have incredibly fun, intelligent, and sweet kids. Then, with teaching, I just keep having opportunity after opportunity to help support and encourage kids to be critically thinking, bravely expressive, and passionately creative. In local shops, at the IPRC, at the Rock ‘N’ Roll Camp for Girls, and at the middle school in the extended day program.

Lastly, I totally found a new house to live that actually feels like it’s going to be a HOME… I am incredibly excited about my two, new housemates who I have a ridiculous amount in common with. When I went to interview for the house, we all just really hit it off, talking for two hours, then, as I was unlocking my bike and leaving, they came out and asked me to move in with them and gave me a key!

I feel kind of silly for being so worried this past weekend about finding a new place, but I really appreciate all the support of my partners, friends, and the even the families I work for!! I am so thankful for all of you people, I can’t even explain it to you. I wrote my main nannying-family mom an email letting her know I found a new home last night and thanking her for all her support, but for also being an amazing person to work with with a wonderful family. Of course, then she wrote me back a nice note.

SERIOUSLY, LIFE IS RAD. <3

Written by lovemotionstory

October 3, 2012 at 1:43 pm

Accountability, Joe Biel, and Microcosm

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What I love about the zine community! Holding a person and a collective accountable for habitual abuse… http://heavymentaldistro.org/blog/open-letter-to-microcosm-publishing/ –  For those of you who ask why I don’t like Microcosm, here is a start for your reading and deciding for yourself. –

I have had several friends over the years ask me what the deal is with Joe Biel and Microcosm. Why don’t I like Microcosm? Should they participate in an anthology being put out by Microcosm or Joe? Should they have their zines sold by Microcosm? Does one guy really ruin it for everyone?

Well, maybe not for you, but, for me, yes.

When I first met Joe at a board game night about 8 years ago, I was just as charmed as most people are by him. This was despite the fact that he was as condescending as all get out, including making fun of me and saying I was a vegan poser because I went with my friends to Denny’s and ordered coffee. I didn’t take the remarks he made too seriously then, until I realized later that he can just be generally demeaning.  When I learned more about him from our interactions and from friends, including Alex Wrekk, I quickly became uncomfortable around him or anyone close to him. I don’t hate him, hate is too strong of a word… I just think he is boundary pushing, disrespectful, and probably emotionally abusive.

Probably that is, if any part of any story I had heard about his relationships was true, which I do believe many of the accounts I have heard to be true indeed. Of course, I heard about the complications of his relationship with Alex Wrekk first, but there were more beyond and past him, including a woman he as in relationship with after Alex who now tells a similar story as Alex’s about their relationship… As well as knowing the perspective of outside mediators that have tried to work with Alex and Joe. And also, knowing how he and Microcosm have related to other businesses and people whose work they publish and/or distribute.

It’s complicated to explain more about all of this in  blog post. I started writing this post as a much longer entry, but, ultimately, I don’t have time or energy right now. So I will post what I have told many friends over the years:

If you want to here a lot more details about all of this and my personal perspective, just give me a call or let’s have coffee. I will tell you what I know, how I feel and why…

Meanwhile, I will volunteer what I have said a few times, including what I told a lady friend who asked me recently over the phone about Joe Beil and Microcosm. I, personally, don’t feel comfortable with him or Microcosm for a variety of reasons, but I would not hold it against you or anyone else for deciding to participate in an anthology project or being distributed with them. You have my acceptance, I just don’t advise it because I think he and the collective are unethical and not accountable. I am not going to judge you for getting involved with them if you feel skeptical because you don’t have a first-hand experience of being treated unethically by Joe or Miscrocosm… And I hope you don’t. When I know a person or a company or a organization has behaved unethically, however, I try to steer clear of it. Unless, of course, I do see some real accountability on the person’s or company’s or organization’s part.

While I think Joe Biel is lame and the situation with Microcosm kind of sucks, I am glad for what I see in the wake of all of it: A community that calls out abuse and talks about it. A community that expects accountability in a respectful way. A community that doesn’t launch a witch-hunt, but does demand a dialogue about unethical practices and seeks a meaningful solution.

Thanks to all the zinesters that are brave about standing in solidarity against abuse and other unethical behavior. You are all rad.

Written by lovemotionstory

June 29, 2012 at 3:22 pm

Big and empty house, big and fruitful garden, big and goofy dog…

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I am dogsitting for the next 3 weeks while the main family I nanny for is on vacation. I love my house, my garden, and my cats, but dogsitting is a fun change of pace.

Being in a big house can get kind of lonely, but I always get extra work done whenever I am dog/housesitting. I can’t decide if it’s because I set up more like I am in an office or if it’s because the house is empty so I feel slightly more comfortbale slumming it for a whole day in front of the computer, answering a bajillion emails.

The family’s garden is much bigger and older than mine, like, can you see all those yummy artichokes in the foreground of this pictures? I am going to try really hard not to eat all of them.

I wouldn’t ever want to own a dog because it’s more of a time commitment than what I feel I can make room for, which is why I have two cats, but Joy is quite adorable and I am happy to pretend I have a dog for 3 weeks… And I am going to have a pretty happy running buddy. Joy is a great dog, the kind of dog who is so sweet and loving that she also can’t be left alone for too long, she gets anxious and sad. She also doesn’t realize her own size (she is SO big) and leans into you for love and pets.

This little vacation couldn’t come at a better time, last week was so busy with events for Portland Zine Symposium that I help organized and other things, that this downtime to stay up late most days and sleep in, catch up on emails and projects (like writing about all the mini zines we’ve gotten at the IPRC for the Zine Machine) and plan for all the events in July (like the 4th Annual 24hr Zine Challenge and the Science/SciFi release party for Stumptown Underground) is welcome. Maybe I will even get some writing done.

One thing I probably have coming up the next few weeks is teaching  at least one week at the Rock’n’Roll Camp for Girls! Maybe even all three! I offered to help find them an additional instructor for at least the Thursdays of the 2nd and 3rd sessions, which I can’t do, but would love to split with a friend. I am so excited!

Written by lovemotionstory

June 26, 2012 at 3:44 pm