A Modern Woman on the Move

in hot pursuit of the great green light…

Archive for the ‘love’ Category

Chosen family meets biological family.

leave a comment »

This past weekend, Matt’s mom came to visit.

Primarily, she wanted to visit to come to Matt’s book signing for the work he did on the Plants vs. Zombie comic. For us, it was a chance to humanize ourselves and our life to a woman who is very against who we are and the life we’re living, all while having little to no understanding of us or many things about our lives.

Matt’s mom’s visit was so many things all at once. Pleasant, awkward, fun, stressful, relieving, revealing, and more. I realized that, in a lot of ways, she’s like my own mother, but without the violent abuse and alcoholism and with more of the racism, homophobia, and sexual shaming. She was very polite to Marco and I, saving her fretful, phobic meanderings about our relationship for when her and Matt were alone. But she also said she appreciated that Marco and I were nice to her. Having recently gone through a divorce which involved a large amount of disempowerment and deceit, she is in a tender and vulnerable place. She has a lot of trust issues, which is really understandable. We recognized that and, though a lot of her fears are irrational and due to a lack of experience outside her own circumstances, a lot of what we’re going through is a culture clash. So, we tried to just have fun and hang out with her, to try to give her some experience with us that would be positive. Also, because I love Matt so much, I want to show his mother that, despite our differences, I want to be there for her and to care for her. We went out to eat at some of our favorite restaurants, we made dinner in, we made terrariums, we took her to Multnomah Falls, we traveled to the Newport Aquarium, we showed her our progress on pizza couch, I babysat the neighbor’s kiddo and brought him over while Matt was making dinner, we got her to watch Janelle Monae videos, we sang to her at karaoke, and we had a lot of conversations with her about our lives and our beliefs (and even about how we may want to have kids). The whole time, we we’re battling off colds (mine really hit me Monday, when we went to the aquarium), so I was bummed out that I felt I wasn’t more in top form, more articulate and energetic, but we made do. It’s so intense to feel a longing to include someone who thinks so little of you, but it’s also something I’m quite used to in life. I’m thankful she was at least polite and thankful she felt we were kind. We’re united in our love for Matt, which, I believe, will carry us far.

Advertisements

Written by lovemotionstory

November 13, 2013 at 12:57 pm

Being Myself

leave a comment »

The older I get, the more I am fully myself and live the life I want to live, because I have confronted myself and my inner workings. I have confronted my biases (granted, my identities force me to because there is a lot around me that would have me be biased and hate on myself) and I see that they are an issue to be constantly tackled. And the more I am fully myself, the more people simultaneously admire me for being myself while also trying to shame me for being myself.

Let me tell you this:

I rather be myself (happy, realizing my dreams, getting things done in my communities). I rather be sincere, honest, and confronting hard questions within myself and of those around me. I rather be true myself and my values than to be quietly, unhappily conformist and avoidant.

Confronting life is how you let go of what is hard. It can feel painful because we are so often taught to keep our heads down and so many have issues being direct and dealing with honesty, but that is how you come to a real understanding with the folks around you. By confronting and addressing your differences. If you are really incompatible, you don’t have to be around each other, but, if you seek to share space, you gotta work that stuff out by confronting and respecting differences.

Written by lovemotionstory

August 2, 2013 at 12:15 am

Another Crazy 24 Hours…

leave a comment »

So, the last two years, I have actually finished the 24hr Zine Challenge (it was HARD) and I am organizing yet another with Portland Zine Symposium. When we started this event and then I had the rad idea to turn it into a fundraiser, I had no idea how helpful a fundraising event it would be!

So, here’s the deal… If you sponsor me for $10 or more, you only pay if I finish. All the money goes to PZS. I donate a copy of the zine and get it to you.

Here I am at the end of the 24hr Zine Challenge last year with my finished zine, “24 Hours of My Innermost Fears.”

24hoursofmyinnermostfears

That one was crazy. I wanted to do a mini zine to give myself a lighter challenge in terms of the amount of content I needed to get together because I was also organizing (like every year), but then I ended up going way past 24 pages.

This year, I will have to take a 4 hour break from the challenge to go to the rock camp showcase (because I am volunteering to be a band manager for the second week of Rock’N’Roll Camp for Girls, yay!), so I think I might also do small zine. But, as per the rules of the challenge, I won’t be making in concept plans or anything else before the big day. Which is July 27th!

Sponsor me? You’ll get a copy of my zine while also donating at least ten bucks to the Portland Zine Symposium. In fact, if you sign up to sponsor me for at least $15 and I do complete the challenge, I will give you a copy this year’s 24hr zine and a copy of last years. And this, I promise you, if the only way you will get a copy otherwise for at least another year.

And maybe you want to sign up and do it too?

Yeah, I certainly would encourage you too. It’s a great challenge even if you don’t finish (I didn’t the first two years). If you DO finish though, you’ve got an awesome new zine to hand out jut in time for PZS!

Also, check out this cool drawing Matt made for me about 24hr zine making because he’s a supportive  partner and awesome and draws things for me sometimes!!!!

24hzrCHbyMJRainwater

 

Written by lovemotionstory

July 19, 2013 at 4:42 pm

This feminist believes people can just be better than that…

leave a comment »

So, recently, my partner Matt’s mom sent him these books….

I jokingly tweeted that Matt and Marco say, “We surrender!” (originally Marco’s joke), and posted this photo. However, it turns out Matt’s mom is reading my blog and internet stuff. And, more recently, Matt got this gem in the mail… tencommandmentsofdating

I am pretty sure Matt, Marco and I have already read aloud to each other more of this book than his mom read before sending it. Just in case, let me reassure you, Matt’s mom, you raised a much better son than what this book would like us to believe…

allmenareconnivinganddeceptive

All men are not conniving and deceptive. Especially not Matt. He is one of the most wonderful, honest and sweet people I know. I love him.

Though he might lick the lint out of Buddha’s belly button to impress a girl, I don’t know.

But, seriously, I don’t think he’d become a Buddhist just to impress a girl. I think Matt is a more defined and self-actualized person than that. I know Matt’s mom is having a hard time understanding polyamory and sexual freedom, but I do appreciate that she loves her son and is reaching out to him.

It can be hard to see people taking a different path than yourself or that deviates from your beliefs, but just because it’s different, doesn’t mean it’s invalid. Just because we have more than one  committed relationship in our lives or that we’re open to, doesn’t mean our love for one another is not deep and meaningful. And, nonconformity can really be a saving grace, especially when popular books in Christian mainstream would encourage you to uphold and conform to certain types of relationships because,  based on your gender, you must be a conniving liar trying to get into any girl’s pants.

Further, I would like to put it out there that, for me, feminism is about understanding that traditional gender roles can hurt men who aren’t interested in those roles, as well as women and especially any other gender expression. Gender binary is harmful, and narrow gender constructs like what the Ten Commandments of Dating try to convince people about each other based on gender are HORRIBLE. Do we really want to tell men that they’re all conniving liars? And, if the authors of the Ten Commandments of Dating are wrong about you’re son, what else are those authors dramatically negative or completely wrong about?

I leave y’all with a few links on those ideas…

http://thefbomb.org/2010/05/how-feminism-helps-everyone-not-just-the-women/ http://goodmenproject.com/featured-content/five-ways-feminism-helps-men/ http://feminspire.com/feminism-its-good-for-men-too/

Written by lovemotionstory

April 16, 2013 at 3:07 pm

Happy International Women’s Day!

leave a comment »

Dear Friends,

Happy International Women’s Day! To celebrate, I wanted to write a post in appreciation and as testament to my experience as a woman. I am trying to keep this short, which, those of you who know me, is quite a challenge.

I am personally thankful for all the women who have fought to live and to have basic civil rights, in full knowledge that I stand on their shoulders. And, as I stand on the shoulders of women who have broken barriers so that I would not have to, they have shown what it means to stand up against oppression, to stand up for social justice, to stand up for basic rights.

I thank the women who inspire me to be true to who I am and I am going to do a bit more coming out right now, in honor of this idea. I thank the women who are present in my life to support me in being true to who I am… A queer, polyamorous, writer/artist and community organizer that works as a Dominatrix, as a teacher, and as a nanny.

I thank the women who look down on me for being who I am because they remind me my battles are not over and to live everyday as myself as truly as I can because that, in and of itself, is the greatest act of rebellion. I thank the women who look up to me for being who I am because they remind me that being true to myself is a righteous and rocky pursuit, that my fight benefits others and that is invaluable motivation to continue on.  I thank the women who get that I am just another person trying to make it in this world just as I am, my friends, because they are who I turn to in my hardest moments for support and reassurance, they make me feel so very less alone as I face the inevitable discrimination that comes with being a women, not to mention my other identities.

And to those women I turn to and who have supported me, I thank you for being the person who I can talk to when hurtful names are thrown at me. I thank you for speaking up in conversation when I am teased or picked on or experiencing other microaggressions. I thank you for being vulnerable with me and giving me the chance to support you in return, you are, indeed friends of the highest order. I thank you for sticking around through my own issues and for truly hearing me even when you disagree with me. You are true friends, against all odds..

I thank the women who inspire me to be in solidarity with other women in world that would have us divided and powerless. I thank the women who I am different than for their patience and understanding as we navigate a world that would have us competing with each other instead of supporting each other. I thank the women who are courageously themselves in a society that has very narrow ideas of what it means to be a woman, whether philosophically, physically, or biologically.

The knowledge that we share in this struggle makes us the stronger for bearing it so that we will be able to continue the fight against the inequalities still to be faced.

Love,
Blue

Written by lovemotionstory

March 8, 2013 at 1:27 pm

The 3rd AmaZine Day was a hit!

leave a comment »

After Saturday, I’ve seemed to have lost my voice!

Thank you so much to the incredibly huge crowd and tablers that filled Independent Publishing Resource Center yesterday for AmaZine Day!

Thank you to my fellow Portland Zine Symposium organizers for helping make it happen together, thank you to A.M. O’Malley for curating the reading, thank you to all the awesome readers, thanks to the people who came to my single-sheet zine workshop, thanks to Art Institute (right?) for being there to film a “commercial” for IPRC and being so sportive while interviewing busy and sick me, thanks to Reid for helping and staying late to break down the event, and thanks to everyone for supporting Ruji and I read her comics while both congested and sick!

A special thank you for Marco and Matt for helping me flyer, taking care of me while sick the last few days, helping make cookies, and helping setup. I would be in much worse shape if not for all their behind-the-scenes help. It’s just keeps getting better having such awesome partners in my life.

Also, thanks to fellow Kathleen for covering my IPRC volunteer shift Sunday because I am still sick and exhausted.

 

This community can so rock it, I am so happy to be apart of it!

Written by lovemotionstory

February 11, 2013 at 3:38 pm

Some of Those, “What Was I Thinking?” Moments Today

leave a comment »

The weirdest thing about the video thing I made to help promote that event thing, was editing it months later and seeing an ex, once adored and celebrated by me, sitting there staring at his phone and completely disengaged from the totally cool community thing happening all around him. Foreshadowing, folks.

He wasn’t the worst, not by a long shot. I have a lot of fond memories from the beginning of our relationship, before he stopped trying and before he let his negative demons run rampant. I actually even feel bad for the dude. I cried and agonized over limiting my time with him at the end of our relationship, when he was simultaneously saying I was crowding him and then complaining that I was too busy working on PZS.

But, gosh, was he such a draaaaaaaaaaag. Like, weeks and weeks before that. And completely inconsistent in his ethics (as in, bothered when people were racist, but often unsympathetic and even blaming toward me for being bothered when dudes were being sexist or harassing me). And unreliable for collaboration. But I kept thinking I just needed to be there for him. I am sure there is something to be said for not immediately jumping ship when he started to show negative behaviors, for trying to talk to him about them and be patient, and there were times he was there for me, but I definitely might have waited a little too long to retreat.

I am way thankful for my current partners. Engaged, sincere, willing to be challenged by life, giving, mature, and cavity-inducingly sweet. I so love Matt and Marco.

To my friends who were skeptical of me dating a comedian back then? Well, you were right.

Written by lovemotionstory

January 28, 2013 at 10:40 pm