A Modern Woman on the Move

in hot pursuit of the great green light…

Archive for the ‘intimacy’ Category

The Three of Us

with 2 comments

I wanted to share the Christmas gift I made Matt and Marco with everyone..

Basically, it’s a mini zine professing my love for them and a drawing.

thethreeofus_foldedout

cover

page1 page2threeofus_inside

 backcover

Advertisements

Written by lovemotionstory

January 16, 2013 at 5:39 pm

The most beautiful of rocky paths, meaningful to experience, difficult to navigate.

with 5 comments

The last few weeks this song keeps playing in my head! http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12zPU-8bsTE

I keep thinking about going to see Gossip live with friends, and holding hands with two partners during this song and feeling like I was home.

Life is very wonderful, I feel so sentimental all the time, as everything keeps settling into place. I really like getting older. All the ideas I have been working toward seem to finally be a bigger reality in my life. I feel empowered and loved by friends, bosses, lovers, and community. Now, I really just need to catch up on more of my projects. If only.

Actually, quite frankly, I have been catching up and doing better because I have two strong relationships of people who are understand what I do and why and helping. Just the other day, Matt sat with me for a little while before I went to teach debate, helping me look up and write down facts about fast food and NPLAN’s “Healthy Food Zones” around schools for the debate my class wanted to have about fast food and whether or not fast food should be allowed near schools. He seemed to actually care and like it. Which is fucking awesome. He is such a sincere, giving, and caring person. I really love him.

Now, while a lot of things are so dreamy in parts of my life, there is an area that has become more complicated and taking downward turns.

It is so challenging, sometimes, this loving of more than one person at once, with dedication and commitment. Especially when you work hard to build community among your lovers because you are committed to it… Community around these relationships is so important to me, because, for me, it fosters commitment, growth, and constructiveness. I feel it also empowers each of us, building a deep network of trust and support.

Someone came along who just doesn’t seem to get it, however, but I fell for them anyways. And I might not have quite realized this is what was happening until my heart and the hearts of my other lovers have already made so much room for the this person that I fell for, I don’t think I really realized that he didn’t quite get it, maybe because this someone has always seemed to really want to get it.

And we are all hurting  because this person, this person that has been having trouble getting what my relationship and polyamorous community goals are and this person has fallen for someone else who also doesn’t seem to get it. There are big checking in and communicating gaps. There is is a lack of empathy and effort for truly growing a close relationship between all of us, and only some of it may be due to both of this person and their new lover’s school schedule demands.

I have a lot of effort and empathy coming in from my other lovers to try and help me have perspective and constructive actions, a lot of them advocating for this someone, myself, our relationship, and even this other person. Meanwhile, I hear from this someone that their lover, this other person, like’s playing “Devil’s Advocate” when talking to this person about our relationship. Their remarks seem cold and unsympathetic. The opposite of what my support network, my other lovers, do when I confide in them regarding this person and this other person.  I have come to feel there is a lack of commitment and support. This really hurts me, in partnership with their lack of warmth and reaching out. I am trying really hard not to take it personally. I recognize this other person is new to all of this and has an intense school schedule, but I fear this other person won’t ever be that way and I am not about to demand it, that doesn’t seem constructive. And I don’t want to demand anything, I want to be with people who want to have relationships they way that I want to have relationships and are committed to only pursuing other people who want to have relationships in a similar, compatible way. I have communicated, but I won’t demand. Instead, I wait and see if things sort themselves out with some more time… With a general feeling of preparing myself to walk away.

I perceive that my reaching out, explaining what is bothering me and what I need, etc. hasn’t really seem to be making many dents in these issues. I fear there are fundamental incompatibilities and I am ready to let go, but I did make commitments to this someone and I see effort on their part and even on the part of this other person. Or, at least, I have in my mind, as I tend to be terribly loyal and dedicated. It hurts not to feel that returned in a way I relate to. So, my plan is mostly just to take the space I need for now so that it is less painful, to listen to Kimbra’s “Settle Down” (which seems to somehow capture the feeling I have about the situation well), and to wait. To wait, hoping it will all pass somehow. Waiting and trying to get the pieces in place or to at least be patient enough for the pieces to fall into place, in the spirit of love and commitment…

And this is why I have tried to become so careful in relationships, because (through much trial and error) I have clear ideas and philosophies regarding what I want in my polyamorous relationships. Once I have a committed relationship, I attempt to take everything else carefully and slowly. I get so terribly involved and I can be very sensitive because I desire closeness and community among my lovers and their lovers.

So, yeah. Kimbra….

Written by lovemotionstory

November 30, 2012 at 5:46 pm

State of My Heart….

with one comment

I am really happy to be in serious relationships and dating people who are wonderful and mature, who hang out together and such, the past couple of months. It feels so wonderful.

I am also glad I can post on facebook about cute baristas or work on my projects and stuff without an insecure partner claiming I am being weird (slut-shaming is lame) or that I am ignoring them (seriously, I had a partner crying at me at PZS because I wasn’t paying enough attention to them, but then also didn’t come and hang out with me positively at the big event, it was mind-boggling how ridiculous the demands on my time were).

When you’ve been in weird, bullying relationships, it’s hard to reset your radar. Also, sometimes people wish they were more secure than they actually are or they wish they behaved more healthily than they actually are, so the lack of maturity and the unhealthy behavior comes out slowly over time. Here’s to taking life purposefully (which sometimes means slowly) and adventurously, building the life you want with people who will love and support you as an individual!

Written by lovemotionstory

November 7, 2012 at 2:18 pm

Take care, be careful

with one comment

This is mostly a reminder for myself, but I want to share it for the sake of anyone I care about.

Take care, be careful.

Look at your life and the people you love, take time to notice those who give to you. Then take time to give back to them.

Honor who you love and nurture the love of those who honor you.

Remember that you are worth supporting, talk to the people you love about the challenges and issues you face. Don’t chase those who only are capable of taking from you, those who only make demands on you, or those who isolate you from your support network. Especially when you have people waiting to to be there for you, missing you, waiting to catch you.

Every destructive circumstance you chase hurts those who desire to build greatness with you, whether through collaboration on projects/work, within friendships, or through love and intimacy. Challenge yourself to learn to fall less, to look critically at your behavior/patterns, and to resist urges to take potentially dangerous leaps. Not just for yourself and your own stability, but for those who hurt for you when you are hurt.

I share this song because it has been running through my head on repeat while thinking about all this and the situations I am finding myself in….

This has been a long lesson for me to learn throughout my adult life and I feel I am learning it more all the time, as a struggle to balance my giving nature, my open-heartedness, and my optimism with the reality of how people actually are and the idea that I should proceed more cautiously into close relationships. Part of this has always been my eagerness to be loved, as much of my life has been in love-deficit.

A major aspect that appeals to me about polyamory and polyamorous community is the potential to be more accountable to myself in relationships, as I have other people that are relying on me to be ethical, communicative, safe, and healthy. And, when I say healthy, I am not just speaking to physical or sexual health, but to emotional health. This last week, or even the last couple of months, has been full of circumstances and epiphanies that have really been evidence of the power of my little polyamorous community for good in my life, as well as for challenges in having every link in the chain working together to bear the load and deal with challenges. And while the community can work together to bear the load, it becomes clear when a link is weak in any way because it hurts us all and damages trust and safety throughout the chain.

This is a hard thing to face. Many of us who gravitate toward polyamory often do so because we do not apply scarcity economics to love relationships (more on the subject of love and scarcity economics here, if you are unfamiliar, it’s a great read). Many of us feel full of love to give, but it is important to ground that in the reality of space/time constraints. We resist rules or limits—I certainly do, and a case made against rules in relationships that I relate to can be found here—which is fine, if we are really practicing good time-management skills and communicating thoroughly. It begins to sink into chaos if we forget to make time for what we have or to neglect to communicate thoroughly.

Here is to me hoping that our combined strength can reinforce any weak areas with love, communication, and understanding. For it is not the universe that provides or catches each of us, it is the conscious choice of all of us to be there for each other and face difficulties together with love, the conscious choice of us all to be there for each other.

Written by lovemotionstory

March 6, 2012 at 2:30 pm

It’s Not Like You Get Out And You’re Suddenly Just Magically Who You Used to Be

with one comment

Big sighs today. Just because you fall in love someone, doesn’t mean they can meet your emotional needs.

I am still healing from so much that new, unintentional, small wounds can seem insurmountable…

And, when hurt, however accidentally, I need a lot of action taken to heal, not just sweet words. Words are nice, but so easily faked… Which is how I got to this condition, being with someone who lied or false-promised too often. What action though? Gosh, I don’t even know, but things don’t feel okay now. Being this way makes me feel so high maintenance, but I guess that is just how it is when the l-word jumps in and you become fluid-bonded. Maybe I am still not ready and it doesn’t matter how nice everyone is or how much I want to trust them. My hurt is deepening because it’s like the other people involved just get to move on and I am stuck, my heart is frozen with fear because of a little accident. Well, to be fair to myself, a little accident right after some lack of sexual health awareness. I don’t want to be stuck, but words don’t seem to be enough to ease the pain of a boundary crossed and the feeling that something has been taken away from me, however accidentally.

I talked to my counselor about it yesterday, I talked to some poly friends about it today, I came to some more conclusions, but goddamn if everything isn’t a work in progress all the time.

Written by lovemotionstory

August 17, 2011 at 2:49 pm

Give Love

with one comment

Feeling terribly squishy and like sharing one key idea that has been spinning in my brain the last couple of weeks, as I have had a steady flow of loving partners and friends in my life just being amazing the last few months…

Give love, accept only love.

It is amazing what happens in life when you give love freely. If you give more love, more love comes your way. Give kindness and you will find more kindness. Give laughter and you won’t be able to stop giggling and smiling with your loves. Loving people exist. Don’t be tricked by the media and popular ideas of relationships in society. Love does not need to be hard. Love does not need to be dramatic.

There are people in the world who will hear you having a problem and offer their honest support without strings attached and with true honesty… Or they will offer their accountability, if your problem involved them or something they had done, in a responsible way without being defensive or combative. There are people in the world who will love you and accept your love without becoming proprietary or controlling. There are people in this world who will hear your needs if you’re brave enough to just ask! They may not be able to meet them, but you only have a chance to get what you want if you’re honest about it.

You don’t have to accept people into your life who habitually lie. You don’t have to accept people into your life who cross your boundaries. You don’t have to accept people into your life who seek to control you. You don’t have to accept people into your life who are apathetic. Tell them good luck and move on because there are loving people in the world who give their compassion and support freely if you would only not settle for less. If you would only wait for yourself and another loving person to find one another. Reject those that seek to control or hurt you because they are marginalized and hurt, so it is all they know and all they have to give.

And to not accept those who would hurt you? Fuck, let me tell you straight up, it is so empowering. You don’t need anything less than love and, when you decide and follow through on that idea, you are loving yourself. You are affirming to yourself that you truly deserve nothing less than love.

Find love and wrap yourself in it, it becomes exponential. Accept only love and you will find plenty of it and any problems that come your way outside of your close, loved one won’t be as painful because you will have the love of those close to you to cushion any blows that you experience from the rest of the world.

Yes, I know that I may be dismissed writing things like thus as a total hippie… But really, what’s more punk rock and radical than love and happiness outside the dramatic, painful shit that we’ve been taught by mainstream society? Forget abuse, forget control, forget feeling proprietary, forget love-hoarding, forget shaming, forget manipulation, forget dishonesty! Save your fighting for a cause you believe in, it has no place in your loving relationships.

Accept love, give love… Then love can be infinite.

Polyamoury symbol as drawn by Patrick Kelly
(thanks again, man, this is way better
than the other ones floating around on the internet)

Written by lovemotionstory

August 2, 2011 at 2:01 pm

What I am making time for…

leave a comment »

We only have the time we’re willing to make.

I haven’t been to Jazzkat’s Coffee Bar in ages, because I don’t live or work near there. So, I made sure make the time to go there today and it’s still as awesome as ever. I love you Whitney Baskins! Plus, do all my vegan friends know that a new vegan tattoo joint has opened up around the corner? When I got to Jazzkat’s today, Whitney walked me around the corner to introduce me to the new vegan tattoo shop owners of Ritual Art Tattoo and Body Piecing, which happens to be a queer-owned vegan tattoo place, no less. There is another empty space next to Whitney’s for rent, so I was joking to her that we needed to get another vegan shop there to create a second vegan mini-mall. Maybe FoodFight needs a second location? There are already a couple grocery stores in the neighborhood though. Since Whitney’s place has coffee and sandwiches, I wouldn’t want to see something that competed with her.Maybe another Herbivore? Hm..

Anyways, I have been working harder to re-socialize myself, making time and spending time with friends I have neglected the last year and half. I had coffee with Noah last week and it was the first time I had seen him in forever. It felt so good to sit and talk, it also seemed that we had some mirroring experiences since the last time we’d really hung hung out. I also had an affirming get together with a guy I dated off and on for a year before the big-bad-ex, in which he apologized for not being a better friend while he had starting dating someone else. I had gone into meeting him expecting to still be mad but hoping to make amends, so I was pleasantly surprised when we talked and I felt he was sincerely reaching out to me. I tried explained to him that I could understand where he was coming from because I had neglected a lot of my friends while I was doing a big, unhealthy thing for over a year, so it would be pretty hypocritical not to try to offer a bit of forgiveness and understanding for his attempt at reconnection… But I would also like to be friends with him anyways, which is why it hurt to feel like it didn’t matter to him before. So, yeah, all kinds of resolutions happening, all kinds of reconnecting, all kinds of new connections.

There are some new connections happening too, which are interesting. I am dating a boy who actually is enthusiastically poly and already has a relationship going with another lady long before me, which is actually a new position for me. I am usually the lady that’s already with the guy, navigating the new ladies in the guy’s life. And often the guys haven’t been good at being honest and open with their other goings on and the ladies haven’t been very friendly to the relationship that already existed. So, in a weird way, I feel I am getting to be the kind of woman I would have liked to see in my life and I am really loving the opportunity. The other lady came to Trek in the Park with us, then her and I had coffee last week, then we all had coffee yesterday. There are some obstacles for us, mainly that she has a couple of guy friends in her life that I had bad interactions with a few years ago (I am not a fan of them and, as a result, they are not a fan of me) and that poly is still very new to her. If there has ever been one universal motivator for me, it’s been to succeed in spite of other people’s negativity or bad shit in the past. There is also the idea that polyamorous relationships are different for each set of people trying to have them, so even if the boy and his lady weren’t at all new to this, we’d still have a lot to navigate and sort out between us and I have been just blown away with the level of communication and open-heartedness from both of them.

In other news, the ocean-themed submissions deadline for Stumptown Underground is just around the corner (July 23rd) and I hope you all make time to submit to it. The submissions for the summer-themed issue were low enough and we’ve been so behind on things within SU, that is looks like we’re may combine the summer and ocean issues.

I completed the PZS 3rd Annual 24hr Zine Challenge this past weekend, but I kind of hate what I made. So, unless you sponsored me for the challenge, donating $10 or more to the Portland Zine Symposium, you probably won’t ever see this zine. I have more thoughts about the 24hr Zine Challenge for another post soo

Also, we’re doing the bike-in movie night again for PZS this year, this time with Whiffies new mobile, yellow beast. We had an open vote on the movie this year, which has finished and Triplets of Belleville was chosen! The bike-in movie night is happening on July 29th, you should all probably come.

In slighted related music listening linkage, here is a kind of dorky song I am have been liking…