A Modern Woman on the Move

in hot pursuit of the great green light…

Follow through.

with 9 comments

Finally drawing the lines my counselor has suggested to get back to being me and being okay. I have lived for over a year thinking I deserved all of this and not even realizing what I was letting happen. Growing up with an abusive alcoholic means that unhealthy relationships can sneak up on you even when you think you’ve grown up and set good standards for yourself…

I let someone else’s anger and risky behavior infect me, but I am trying to cleanse now. I asked my primary partner to move out so I can have my house and my space back. It’s been years since I wanted someone so close to me and I feel so frustrated that I picked that someone so poorly, but he really played off of all my issues. It was so hard to see, however, because he could be so fun and so exciting. I always wanted to give him a clean slate of forgiveness and push forward to the next good time, but you can’t keep having good times with someone who has a need to fail at love so intensely….

And every time I tried to talk about it with anyone, I was shamed about it or made to feel guilty until I was so wrapped up in it I couldn’t see straight. For those of you who fault others for not being more private, I know you’ll hate that I am posting this, but I am me and I need to have a voice to recover from being sucked into such an abusive relationship. I had done so well in romance before, not to say every love was a success or that I hadn’t been dumped before, but just to say I wasn’t with anyone who was so blatantly an alcoholic and so cruel to me when I was hurting. I am so disappointed in myself that, after years of being an adult, I succumbed to this. To being with someone who crossed my boundaries, who pushed me, who got angry and yelled at me when I was sad, who would lie to me so often that I started lying too, who would insult me in fights, who would insult me just for being myself, who got so deep into my life that I don’t even know how to begin unraveling it. I was so clearly his rebound from an abusive relationship that he was still reliving, but I really thought that I could help. I should have known that it was bad for me the very first time he ever yelled at me in anger while I was crying. Or perhaps when he showed up drunk at a karaoke place while I was on a date and tried to embarrass me. That was 3 months into our relationship and I should have stopped there, but I was already in love and I thought we could work through his issues. Instead a lot of his issues became mine and changed my behavior in negative ways that I don’t even want to begin to think about… But I do everyday and those changes have been a huge wakeup call for me. I don’t want to be that person.

Looking back, it’s really embarrassing. I was so clearly trying to win the love of someone who was hurting me because I was not me when he yelled at me and treated me that way, I became that abused child again and all I could think was, “Just try harder.” It’s embarrassing and scary to be reminded that person is still in me, able to be brought out when I hook up with a partner that feeds into my issues. I am glad that I went so long not being that person, but she’s still in there.

There were good times and I hope to hold onto them as my memories of us. Ultimately, he can be so kind and has good intentions. I hope he learns to be with someone closely without anger and resentment one day because he is capable of so much good. He can be so much fun and was very great in bed. He taught me a lot of new things about myself that are fun and interesting. I am very thankful to have had him in my life, even though we didn’t do a very good job with each other, especially toward the end. This was the longest relationship I’ve ever had and I will miss a lot about him and even about living with him.

Now I just want to breath again.

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Written by lovemotionstory

February 16, 2011 at 10:29 am

9 Responses

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  1. Oh, honey. It’s like you’re reading my mind! We’re experiencing quite a few parallels. Yes yes By all means process it as much as you need to! Bitches be all pissed at your having feelings for them to hurt! You know what’s best for you,don’t let even the one you were supposed to trust and value most tell you different.

    Theresa

    February 16, 2011 at 11:17 am

    • Aw, Sonia, I am sorry you’re parallel to this. Are you doing okay? Does this mean you may ome back to Portland? It looks like I will have two rooms openning up in my house…

      lovemotionstory

      February 16, 2011 at 1:15 pm

      • Nah it’s why I left Portland, really. I’d love to come back to my beloved city with fresh eyes, some time. Who’s Sonia? :P

        Theresa

        February 16, 2011 at 8:28 pm

      • Eeep, my brain just went wonky. Sorry Theresa.

        lovemotionstory

        February 17, 2011 at 6:04 pm

  2. Your openness, as usual, is beautiful, and, refreshing.

    I am confident you will find the love that you know you deserve.

    In the meantime — be well.

    Argentius

    February 16, 2011 at 11:47 am

    • Thanks man, you’ve certainly been around me for a long while.

      lovemotionstory

      February 16, 2011 at 1:21 pm

      • And how! You’ve come an amazingly long way. I suppose, so have I. Life continues to impress me.

        Argentius

        February 16, 2011 at 1:24 pm

  3. I’m going to post this here too:
    Please don’t ever feel embarrassed for having and open heart, you know I have been there too. I think it is a good sign when we want to see the best in people we care about. It takes a strong heart to know when boundaries are firm and when you must ask the world to respect them.

    Alex Wrekk

    February 16, 2011 at 12:45 pm

    • Oh Alex, thank you for your support, it means so much to me. I can’t help but have an open heart, but I do need to remember not to keep hurtful people around me or engage in relationships where we both play off of each other’s issues.

      lovemotionstory

      February 16, 2011 at 1:17 pm


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