A Modern Woman on the Move

in hot pursuit of the great green light…

Transitioning…

with one comment

Alright, here we are.

I made big promises about updating my blog with zine reviews and my life and whatever, but I haven’t been doing that.

To tell you all the truth, I have really been struggling the last few months to do most things. I have only just barely been keeping up with publishing Stumptown Underground and pitching in with the Portland Zine Symposium (that’s probably because they’re collectively organized, so I have other people helping keep me in line). This is mostly because I have been kind of depressed. Okay, not kind of, majorly.

This has been the first big bout of sadness I have had in 7 years. The last one was situational as well (read as: an unhealthy and draining relationship). I have been trying to figure out a serious relationship (in which I’ve had a boundary-pushing partner with a lot of issues while also trying to deal with my deeper issues popping up because we’ve been together for quite a while and because I am not getting all my emotional needs met), struggling with developing some new hobbies and a new line of work (which I have been open and honest with a few of my friends about, but which I can’t tell everyone about), I haven’t been biking and exercising enough (which would be a healthy way to combat some of these down-in-the-dumps feelings), and I was thinking that I maybe needed a break from most everyone.

I have a bad habit of isolating myself when I am sad. Primarily because I don’t want to bum anyone else out, but also because I feel embarrassed for being sad or depressed. This is horrible to do because, when you’re sad, that’s when you need your friends (your support network) the most. I am really thankful for the close friends I have that remind me how good it feels to talk to someone….. It’s what’s finally bringing my foot around to my ass to kick myself back into reality. Also, friends remind you that you’re worth getting your needs met and being in a loving relationship if your relationships get rocky.

My primary relationship was getting really rocky for a lot of reasons and it’s finally time for things to change, one way or another. Being with someone that is mostly inclined to see and expect the worst before the hoping for the best has been killing my usual appreciation and happiness with life. I hate this. I have had real problems in life, real struggles in situation I had no control over (an abusive parent and an abandoning parent), so I am not interested in treating life as horrible now. I am thankful to be alive, I am thankful to be me, I am thankful for my independence, I am thankful for every opportunity to love and be loved. I am, however, very much an emotional chameleon and the attitude of the people around me, especially people close to me, affects me profoundly. It’s hard when I hang out with someone depressing or angry, but it’s also what makes me so empathetic. I am thnkful for my close friends who have been reminding me of some key things as I have been getting caught up in the tornado of this partner’s problems and started feeling ways that are just not me…. It’s unacceptable for someone to get angry with me just because I am sad, especially when I am very supportive to that someone and their anxiety issues. It’s unacceptable to have a partner who will consistently lie to me to dodge any potential conflict. It’s unacceptable to have a partner who tries to superimpose their past relationships onto our relationship and onto me. It’s hard to draw the line and to know when to say when to say enough is enough, however, when you love someone and you feel like you can help your love… When you think that you’ve seen progress and you should just stick with them through this next things and then they will treat you nicely again… Or maybe this problem, or maybe once we get through that thing, or maybe just after this issue. With someone who is so overwhelmingly negative but also can be terribly charming and funny, the ups and downs are too extreme.

Knowing the distinction between the genuine effort it takes to navigate a healthy relationship and realizing that a relationship has engulfed you and taken you away from the other parts of your life is difficult. When you’re used to thinking everything will pass and be alright, it’s hard to see if someone you love actually has a problem of treating most problems like crises that they can never handle (so they just shut down, get angry or run away). Escalating more often than helping and resolving. For us it was especially hard because he brought me into a new community that I discovered I enjoyed and had a place in… Finding what my place is and learning a lot of new dynamics took a lot of patience, bravery, self reflection, mistakes and time…  But I don’t want to abandon the other communities in my life just because a new hobby is challenging. Figuring out that balance has been hard.

I am trying to get back to my own life and strike a balance again. I kind of came out as having been depressed and trying to get back to reality on twitter/facebook/to the friends I saw, but I wanted to take the time to really sit down and write about it more… This is in order to keep talking about it so that I can keep myself consciously working on these balancing issues, but also to put my feelings/experiences out there in case anyone wants to talk (or just wants to silently relate and be reminded that you’re not the only one).

And I think I am doing okay. I am going out more again and I getting back in touch with myself… My confident, independent self that has fun and appreciates that life is truly beautiful. I want to thank my close friends for being there for me. My close and supportive friends are the reason I am able to come out on the other side of all  these changes and balance myself back out with my new hobbies in tow, while also drawing some lines with my primary partner. My friends who reminded me that the rest of my life is still here and they still want to hang out even when I am sad. I am lucky for all of you and I can only hope that I am half as good of a friend to you as you all are to me.

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Written by lovemotionstory

February 7, 2011 at 10:21 am

One Response

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  1. I know that in my life friends, music and creativity have made the difference in the long run. It seems like you are in the same boat. Power to you for putting words to these thoughts.

    Bret Bernhoft

    February 8, 2011 at 11:44 am


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