A Modern Woman on the Move

Let me put what you probably came here for first, the music mix because this post may be very “Too Long; Didn’t Read” unless you’re interested in reading a lot about the personal development of my style of relationships and the current state of them…

How I Got To Loving You – A Valentine’s Mix for Matt - http://ge.tt/6lFqN6E

1. Hott Date by The Gossip
2. Body by Thao With Get Down Stay Down
3. Love Out Of Lust by Lykke Li
4. Did You See The Words by Animal Collective
5. The Book of Love by The Magnetic Field
6. Addicted To Love (Robert Palmer Cover)
7. Pieces Of The People We Love by The Rapture
8. I Found A Reason by Cat Power
9. Like u Crazy by Mates of State
10.  Let’s Make Love and Listen To Death From Above by CSS
11. Romantic Rights by Death From Above
12. True Believer by Dragonette
13.  Armour Love by La Roux
14. Ain’t Nobody by Rufus & Chaka Khan
15. At Last by Etta James
16. Simply Beautiful by Al Green
17. You’re All I Need To Get By by Aretha Franklin
18. Love Song by The Cure
19. The Reason the Night is Long be Rainer Maria
20. Happiness Is All The Rage by The Promise Ring
21. I Love You More Than Words Can Say by Otis Redding
22. Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
23. This Must Be the Place [Naive Melody] by Talking Heads

I like holidays as an excuse to celebrate, have fun, and express oneself. I don’t like the commercialization of holidays, but I try not to be Grinchy about it by just making any holiday another reason to celebrate the people in my life, to whatever capacity. Even though I hope that I always am giving the people in my life energy and attention that them that I care about each of them, from everyone to friends or lovers (even though my life is busy and hectic).

For each of my partners, I made romance-inspired mixes. I definitely love making mixes, I used to spend hours queuing up tapes when I was much younger, in effort to express my feelings with songs relevant to me about everything from the government to a crush. I like keeping that tradition alive and have been diving back into that a bit this past year. For each of these mixing inspired by the spirit of giving your loved ones gifts for Valentine’s Day, I tried to compose a song list, from start to beginning, that might represent the journey of our whole relationship… But also songs that I like and sound pretty to me. I spent many hours combing through lyrics of songs in my music files (and adding some I new I wanted but weren’t in my digital library), trying to decide which songs worked to help express and tell a story of each of these relationships from their beginning until now. Then I spent many more hours trying to find which songs worked for the overall flow of the mix and layering the tracks in Audacity to, hopefully, have each transition nicely into the next. I think I did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself, Matt said that sometime he didn’t even realize the songs had changed from one to the next until a few songs later. That made me feel very dorkishly proud or myself.

If you’ve checked out other mixes that I have made, you’ll see a couple familiar songs. Some songs just always speak to me, like “Like u Crazy” by Mates of State, it’s a song that runs through my head whenever I am crushing hard on someone. In this set of recent mixes I made, I found myself putting “Armour Love” by La Roux on both the mix for Matt and the mix for Jon.

For Matt, I put “Armour Love” in thinking all the lyrics were things I could imagine him saying to me because of the way our relationship has developed. I actually met Matt a year and a half ago, when I was in the worst romantic relationship of my life, but it happened to be technically ”open.” I was really in bad emotional shape, very vulnerable and very used to dealing with an aggressive and angry partner, so I was so nervous about anyone being aggressive and untrustworthy. I also met him through very new circumstances in my life,which made me feel particularly vulnerable. So, as I got to know him more and my feelings just grew for him, I still had to face the lingering insecurities and defensiveness about where I was when I met him. He has been ridiculously patient and comforting and present for all of it.

For Jon, I put in “Armour Love” because I felt the lyrics were many things I often express to him. He is younger than me, hasn’t had very many relationships, and being with me is his first poly experience. I find that, with him, I often take a more reassuring and patient role, asking him not to be defensive. I met Jon back in September, after having been with Antonio for a few months and gained a lot of my romantic confidence and healthy love habits back. To note, Matt is older than me. I describe all this because it is fascinating to me the way roles can be so different between two people having relationships at the same time. So much so, that a song that speaks to me about one person, completely reverses with another.

I made 4 mixes in total. I made one for each of my partners, Matt, Jon, and Antonio. The 4th mix I made, however, was actually one for Marisa, who is a partner of Antonio that I met pretty soon after I started dating him. Antonio and Marisa had been partnered for about 8 months when I met him, and I was very excited that, in their style of open relationships, they were more openly polyAMORous and were both interested in each knowing each other’s partners, because it was in accordance with my ideal version of polyamory.  Marisa and I, however, have had some rough patches in figuring out how to relate to each other. Mainly, I think, because she had friends who knew me and didn’t like me, so she was expecting that I was mean or wouldn’t like her. The last few months, however, we’ve gradually grown closer as we both faced the negative feelings and worked on them honestly and with open hearts. The recent times we’ve had coffee, we’ve expressed to each other how proud we are of each other and it’s a connection that has developed in such a meaningful way, I can only be thankful if it continues to grow, it very much moves me. Because of all that work, I deeply value our growing connection and wanted to include her on my mix list and make something to her that might express the journey of our friendship. She is just as important to me as Antonio.

I started all the mixes at the same time, but I finished Matt’s first. Then I finished Jon’s…

Another Great Battle of Love for a Pessimist – A Valentine’s Mix for Jon -  http://ge.tt/8aSsW6E

1. I Know Places by Lykke Li
2. Wet and Rusting by Menomena
3. Sentimental Tune by Tegan And Sara
4. Love Me Like You Mean It be Percy Sledge
5. Sea of Love by Cat Power
6. Just Say Yes by The Cure
7. Uh-Oh, Love Comes To Town by Talking Heads
8. Must Be Dreaming by Frou Frou
9. The Light by Common
10. Get Better by Mates of State
11. Hold On Tight by Electric Light Orchestra
12. Armour Love by La Roux
13. September by Earth, Wind & Fire
14. Trust In Me by Etta James
15. Try A Little Tenderness by Otis Redding
16. The Look of Love Dusty Springfield
17. Let’s Stay Together by Al Green
18. Keeping You Alive by The Gossip
19. Ain’t Nobody by Rufus & Chaka Khan
20. Easy Love by MSTRKRFT
21. You’ve Got The Love by Florence + The Machine
22. Glory Of Love by Otis Redding

Last week, there was one question I fielded a lot, in one form or another, which was, “How are you handling Valentine’s day?” I had a variety of answers, but mostly, they were some form of “Well, I am going to use it as another reason to plan special dates with the people I love.”

Of course, it helped that Antonio is pretty Grinchy about holidays and I didn’t imagine hanging out with him on that specific day was terribly important to him. I talked to Jon about it and he was pretty indifferent, so I planned to spend Valentine’s Day with Matt and the next day with Jon.

Part of giving each partner their mix, so far, has been hanging out with them and listening to it with them. Jon and I went out to dinner, then came home for a desert I made, then watched some Star Trek, then I gave him his card (that I made at the IPRC!) and mix cd. He put it on and we laid in bed listening to it together. We were both feeling close and emotional, but I felt so close to him when, during “Armour Love,” he starting really tearing up and thanking me for always being there for him and for my patience. I should note here, as I noted to him at the time, that there are very many times he has been there for and patient with me. We pretty much talked about all the songs as they were playing though, so making the mixes felt great in that I was expressing myself to my partner about the course of our relationship, but also because I received an engaged and communicative response. It was very wonderful…

So, if you don’t know me very well or we haven’t talked recently, here is where I am going to share the course of polyamory for me, as well as sharing about my current relationships. I tend to like blogging and zine stuff for the purpose of sharing, I find that sharing helps me process my own experience, as well as opens up potential, deep dialog with friends and acquaintances who might be having similar experiences.

After over 7 years of thinking about, working on, and engaging in polyamorous relationships, there are 3 people that I love deeply and have amazing relationships with right now, which I probably already made pretty clear above. To talk about those relationships further, I feel it’s important to explain that each of these relationships involve intimacy, commitment, dedication, sex, communication, and complete openness. The words “I love you!” are frequently thrown around with excitement, ease, and earnest. These three people are mostly straight-identifying men that each have met each other, each accept each other, each show care and concern for each other, and a couple of them go out for coffee without me.

All of that , with three wonderful people, and I still continue to go on dates to explore other kinds of possibilities and am open to (but not really actively searching for) new relationships developing with other people (especially in the hopes of finding a female-type of partner).

I have felt that I am a polyamorous person for 10 years now, basically as soon as I heard the term, but I only had my first, little beginning in non monogomous experience 7 years ago. It quite scared me and was weird and not the right fit for me. Mainly because it was a torrid affair and we were seeing other people, not both seeking and having deep relationships. Oh, that and probably that fact that I was 21. I kept going back to monogamy after that first try at non monogamy. I would have stints of openly dating, as most Portland 20-somethings tend to do, but I would, inevitably, fall in love with someone after a little while. And, quite often, it just kept happening to be a monogamously-identified person… Then, around 24, a switch flipped for me.

I had been choosing to compromise my identity for the sake of exploring my feelings of love for another person within the context of monogamy and had come to an ending… But, this time, I wasn’t going to compromise to myself. I was going to “Just Say No” to monogamy. If someone was really into me and it was really going to work out with them, they’d accept me for who I was, a person that loves embraces my capacity to love more than one person romantically and wants to celebrate that capacity to love by loving openly where love was found between another person and I.

Once I decided that, I had to figure out where my boundaries were and how I would ethically communicate those ideas as soon liked someone and that person and I were going on a date. After all, a conversation about what kind of relationship you want on first date is a great way to save each person a heck of a lot of time, right?

I feel that non monogamy is a great umbrella term for any kind of relationship that isn’t monogamous, from swingers to closed triads. Once you figure out you want to try non monogamy, there is then the adventure of understanding what kind of non monogamous situation is healthy, achievable, and sustainable for you… Just like any other relationship. For me, it’s a lot like how I have monogamous, romantic, love-based relationships. I have never been hookup person or casual dater. It just doesn’t work for me and isn’t fulfilling. I am a romantic. When I am in healthy love-relationships, love gives me this crazy energy that makes every mountain seem like a pebble.

But still being 24, I was very much learning how to pick good people to partner with and, honestly, too trusting. So learning how to pick good partners for long term relationships still, then adding on learning how to pick a good partner that was good at each of us having more.

Then add in that I live in a town where it seems like most twenty-somethings are either focused on having casual hookups, having dramatic and codependent affairs, or some kind of combination of both. I made rules for myself, to try to protect my open and excitable heart… Don’t kiss someone for the first time if either of you are drunk. Try not to sleep with someone before 3 dates (not that it’s wrong to sleep with someone on the first date, I often broke this rule in my early twenties getting swept up in moments), get to know them so you’re more likely to be fulfilled in the long run. Bring up sexual health before you even kiss to be ethical for yourself, but also to see if you’re dealing with a person that can talk openly and ethically. Bring up the kinds of relationships you want or are open to before getting intimate, why go further with a kiss if I am to talking to someone who has relationships the same way I do and way have any kind of sex with someone if I know that’s not fulfilling for me outside of a relationship? I rather keep friends and be ethical than jump on every ship that passes me by because it looks exciting.

To the outsider, to someone who doesn’t want these kind of relationships, this can sound like a lot of work.

It totally is…

And, for a while, I wondered if I would ever achieve having more than one deeply romantic partner at once, much less in the way I idealized. I haven’t ever seen the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” kind of policy that some people engage in for their non monogamous relationships work within the context of polyamory… Most importantly, I didn’t think it would ever work for me because I certainly didn’t feel comfortable with it. In my dream world, the people I loved would know each other, would at least be friendly with each other, if not find friendships with each other because they have shared values and experiences. In my dream world, I would tell a partner I loved about possible people I was interested in asking out, as I woul dmy best friend, and that partner could reciprocate. We would be supportive and accepting of each other’s interests from professions to projects to people, because we felt secure with each other and had a deep connection. And, in any moment where we felt neglected or insecure of afraid, we would talk and come out the other side feeling even closer.

For the longest time, however, all those ideas were dreams, romantic fantasies, that I was working to achieve through trail and error. Often heartbreaking error and (one long period of time of) one incredibly unhealthy, abusive error because I kept trying to believe in one person who would often say the things that sounded great and hopeful, but usually did not follow through and was very destructive. Like any hard and painful event or circumstance in my life, however, I am oddly thankful to have gone through it. Though I went through a big period of “What The Fuck Was I Thinking?!” a year ago, when I finally ejected that person from my life, I think I wouldn’t have been gotten so much more picky about sticking to what I want and protective of myself. The place where I found people that were really interested in me, engaging me on my terms, and compatible with me. I often wonder if being so vulnerable coming out of that attracted more caring people, but I also think that going through that made me more certain to say no to people who were definitely not on board with my orientation and my style of relationships…

Which is to be open, loving, and deeply connected. Relationships where we all add to each other’s life, with acceptance of each person, without walls between each partner, with agreement in what boundaries work for all of us, and fully facing whatever fears we face. All this means that we each only bring in new people into our lives who will honor those boundaries, agreements, each of the relationships we have in a deep way.

I am going to end this post here and work on second post continuing these thoughts and with the other two mixes to be posted soon.

So, here is the level-headed explanation of the more emotional post I made a few days back.

Most of you who know me know that I am not monogamous. The last few months, I have been having some amazing dating experiences that have put a lot of distance between me and the hurt of the big, bad ex. I have been feeling more like myself, I have been happy (though I was crazy busy and stretched thin the couple months before PZS), and I have had some really amazing, respectful lovers.

One of the best things I heard over the last few months was from my friend Alex, during the PZS Zinester’s Karaoke at Floating World. She said something to the tune of, “I just wanted to say that I have been really happy to see you getting back to yourself, you seem really happy.” This meant so much to me. One thing I have been dealing with is the embarrassment that I stayed in an abusive relationship for so long and that I chose to be so unhappy. For such a long time before that, things were pretty alright. I dodged a lot of dicey partners for years, I had a lot of nice little relationships, some ending better than others, but nothing blatantly horrible. I have struggled the last few months with the idea that my friends have got used to seeing me unhappy and that I am just “that girl” now. It meant so much to hear from a long time friend that she remembered how I was and was happy to see me going back to it.

The thing is, I am not just totally okay now. I am much closer to okay, but little mistakes and challenges in relationships can still throw me for a loop because I am still reconditioning myself to be the trusting and optimistic person I used to be, 2 years ago, before entering into a 18-month relationship with a dishonest, chaotic person struggling with alcoholism. I am trying to balance being careful, so as not to enter into a similar situation, with also being openhearted… Being openhearted, thinking the best of people, is how I would prefer to be, but it’s also, I think, how an abusive person was able to so pervade my life. I kept thinking he was just making mistakes or going through a rough time when, in reality, that’s how he always was… To balance being open to love with being emotionally safe, this is proving to be hard.

Now, I recently decided to fluid-bond with a newer partner who I am totally adoring. I wasn’t fluid-bonded with anyone in a sexual way and I am in a place where I thought that maybe it was too big of a risk to take because of some of the issues in my last relationship. Namely that the ex had repeatedly broken our fluid bond, anonymously and unsafely, and would then “confess” it to me later, then minimalize my concerns and pain regarding the breach of trust. Why he didn’t have better sexual standards for himself, much less me, is beyond me. I think he is just reckless and self-destructive. Maybe it is partly a generational thing. Being younger, I have had more access to safe sex and better sexual health education at an earlier age. Anyways, because of this, becoming fluid-bonded with someone the last few months is essentially making myself really vulnerable to triggering the trauma caused by his repeated dishonesty and lack of safety.

I set up the person I was fluid-bonded with, a boy I am dating, on a date with a lady friend of mine that I really like, thinking they would like each other. Everything was awesome and above the board. When I saw him the next day, however, I got the news that they had slept together and the condom had broke. And he had not had a sexual health talk with her before sleeping with her. This person also has not been in a truly polyamorous relationship before (but has dated multiple people before casually). For me, the biggest part of what hurt about it was that the fluid-bond had been broken. Though he had tried to respect my boundaries (I am not really interested in being fluid-bonded with more than one person at this point) and had been safe, an accident had happened. Even though he was honest and told me right away, it hurt in a deeply intense way. I was triggered, I spent the whole day crying, “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I was also not happy that he had not had a talk about sexual health with the person before having sex, but this was not something I had asked for, it something I assumed that adults with multiple sexual partners just always make sure to do (never assume, folks). If you have multiple partners, every encounter you put you and everyone else you sleep with at risk, so know what you’re getting in bed with. Use protection and barriers. I don’t even have oral sex without protection when I am seriously dating a few people and I am not sure that I can comfortable with being fluid-bonded with more than one person (and it turns out that it is emotionally challenging to be fluid-bonded with even one person for me right now ).

What I was happy with was the way he was completely accountable for that and respectful in general… I was fucking impressed that he had the emotional strength to do something I would never ask. To be there with me through it. I spent the day crying off and on, for inexplicable fears and memories of things past, trying to figure out how to move forward from being so triggered, and he was right there with me. Then the next day and the next. Impressive. I vocalized all my fears and issues around the incident and he listened, over three days. From everything to basic “Here are my standards for sexual health in non monogamous relationships, I can’t be fluid-bonded with you unless you practice the same standards…” to “When setting you up with friends, every choice you make effects us, you two, and my friend and I, please be careful because mistakes seem much bigger…” to “I am worried I can’t trust my own judgement and I will think someone is just making mistakes or that I haven’t clarified things enough with someone instead of realizing they are just inconsiderate and unable to respect boundaries.”

And then, there it was: I asked for what I needed, prepared to walk away with only a handful of memories of a new lover (hopefully turned friend), and the knowledge that maybe I am not ready to be fluid-bonded to a partner yet. Maybe I need to stick to light dating because maybe I am still too tender… Except, the thing is, he was cool with it. He was understanding, he was supportive. He didn’t try to minimize my problems or my boundaries.

There was no other shoe. What seemed insurmountable was, in fact, not. Just really hard, but I know that, each time, it will probably get easier. Everything was okay.

All of that inspired this mix for that person…

So Take It Easy (08/23/11) - http://ge.tt/9gd5y77

Song list…

1. Addicted To Love (Robert Palmer Cover) by Florence + The Machine
2. All My Mistakes by The Avett Brothers
3. Fix You Up by Tegan And Sara
4. Of Moons, Birds & Monsters by MGMT
5. Armour Love by La Roux
6. This Too Shall Pass by OK Go
7. Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls
8. My My by Menomena
9. Rise by Rainer Maria
10.  Wake Up by The Arcade Fire
11. Emergency! Emergency! by The Promise Ring
12. Know Better Learn Faster by Thao With Get Down Stay Down
13. Folds In Your Hands by Passion Pit
14. Like u Crazy by Mates of State
15. If There’s Such A Thing As Love by The Magnetic Fields
16. You’ve Got The Love by Florence + The Machine
17.  Livin’ Thing by Electric Light Orchestraa
18.  Feeling Good by Nina Simone
19. Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin) by Sly and The Family Stone
20.  Lazy Confessions by The Moldy Peaches
21. Thank You Friends by Big Star

So, there’s all that. Those of you who have known me for a long time know this already, but, for those of  that I post all this in public not only to make myself accountable for my own choices and healing, but also to process “out loud” for myself… And also in the hopes that anyone dealing with any similar issues might relate or find meaning in all of this and feel less alone in their own struggles. <3

Big sighs today. Just because you fall in love someone, doesn’t mean they can meet your emotional needs.

I am still healing from so much that new, unintentional, small wounds can seem insurmountable…

And, when hurt, however accidentally, I need a lot of action taken to heal, not just sweet words. Words are nice, but so easily faked… Which is how I got to this condition, being with someone who lied or false-promised too often. What action though? Gosh, I don’t even know, but things don’t feel okay now. Being this way makes me feel so high maintenance, but I guess that is just how it is when the l-word jumps in and you become fluid-bonded. Maybe I am still not ready and it doesn’t matter how nice everyone is or how much I want to trust them. My hurt is deepening because it’s like the other people involved just get to move on and I am stuck, my heart is frozen with fear because of a little accident. Well, to be fair to myself, a little accident right after some lack of sexual health awareness. I don’t want to be stuck, but words don’t seem to be enough to ease the pain of a boundary crossed and the feeling that something has been taken away from me, however accidentally.

I talked to my counselor about it yesterday, I talked to some poly friends about it today, I came to some more conclusions, but goddamn if everything isn’t a work in progress all the time.