A Modern Woman on the Move

It is really amazing when you are with someone who loves you so much and so profoundly that  love their teaches you knew ways to truly love yourself. Through their eyes.

Thank you, Jon Washington.

It sucks to see any friend make poor relationship choices, much less someone who reminds you of yourself at a younger age, making similar mistakes. I try to tell my friends what I think for the sake of honesty, love, and growth… But I have already been the bearer of bad news for this person regarding a previous partner and I don’t have as strong of reasons to point to with the latest. Plus, maybe this latest person is getting themselves together and my friend and the person will have a great relationship.  So, instead I will take a deep breath and try not to get involved unless directly asked.

And this situation reminds me how I should be working harder on making that collaborative zine about abuse that I have been talking with a couple other women about making, and maybe it should include a big section on red flags in relationships… The the internet is swimming with ideas about these topics, but personal stories with art can be much more powerful. It’s something I should prioritize more…. Sigh.

This weekend, I am going away to the coast with one of my best friends (Katy Ellis O’Brien!!!), one of my best partners (Jon Washington!!), and some other lovely people! We are renting a big place (3 bedrooms) near Oceanside and I am so excited for a relaxing getaway.

I plan on so much wandering around, writing, laughing, chatting, games, and whatever!!! <3 <3 <3

I have to give major love to Katy and Jon. I think you two may be the people who know and love me most in the world.

I am so thankful to have a friend like Katy in my life. She has been there through so much and has been such an accepting and supportive friend. I would definitely count her as one of my 21st Century family members, or chosen family.

As for Jon, he is also so wonderful. I think we’ve been together for over 9 months now and he’s also been so supportive and wonderful. I have been lucky enough to date some interesting and kind people in my life, but Jon seems to really have a place in my life and really gets me. I really experience feelings of transcendence with him, which makes me want to link to one of my favorite TEDtalks… http://www.ted.com/talks/david_brooks_the_social_animal.html

I promise that we’ll take lots of photos! <3

In other news, I had a crazy weekend doing an audio journal project at a convention,  if you are interested in knowing what for and such, just ask me directly. In preparation for the convention, I channeled some nervous energy into giving myself a new haircut that I have wanted for a while…

On the subject of audio projects, however, just before the crazy weekend I went on Jon‘s podcast, Jon Reads the Paper.

Jon is a pretty special guy, I find him to be hilarious and I have posted links to his podcast on facebook and twitter before. The format of his project is to have a fellow comedian or two on with him as guest and they sit around and read the paper together, but, because they are usually funny people, funny tangents and discussions ensue. I have been spending a fair amount of time with Jon because he is a serious partner and a fair amount of our dates involve stopping by local comedy open mics and showcases because he is very actively pursuing stand-up, so understand that, when I tell you Jon is very funny, I am probably biased but I also have very clear context for Jon’s ability. The longer I know Jon, the more his efforts at personal growth and accountability impress me and the more I understand what is so valuable about the style of comedy he is developing. I see a lot of comics, a lot of them not as experienced and male, and Jon is one of the few that is working hard to make his comedy insightful, self reflective, and largely free of -ists and -isms. He doesn’t prop his humor up with racial stereotypes, or sexists attitudes, or by picking on marginalized people. He is mostly just his awkward, funny, and insightful self, trying to remark on behaviors and situations around him… Which I appreciate so much, especially in the context of watching a lot of other newer comedians rely on picking on others to be funny.

All that being said, the episode I did with him and the hilarious Danny Felts got a little serious. Where we went got a little heavy, but we had limited time. So, Jon wanted to go back and add more to the episode where we all let the seriousness have it’s space and just talked about it. A lot of it is revolving around alcoholism and the self destructiveness that people often deal with who are doing comedy or even just people who are doing creative endeavors. Give it a listen and let me know what you think… Jon Reads the Paper, Episode 30: Teetotalitarianism.

I went to a really amazing reading a few days back at the Waypost to support and kickoff Sparkplug‘s newest fundraiser!

I didn’t stay for the whole reading because my partner Jon and I had to duck out for a comedy thing he was performing at, but we got to see Sean Christensen, Theo Ellsworth, Julia Gfrörer, and Suzzette Smith all do readings. All of them were wonderful, earnest, and fun. I think comics readings are fun because it’s always interesting to me to see an artist convey their printed work. Typically, in comics readings, you get to see the pages projected up for the audience while the author reads it aloud for you. In same readings, you see what Sean, Julia, Suzette, and Theo did the other night… Funny voices, sound effects, and friends helping out for different characters. It was such a treat to be there for some of the reading. 

They launched an IndieGoGo campaign for their upcoming publishing projects, to help fund the release of  Nurse Nurse by Katie Skelly, The Golem of Gabirol by Olga Volozova, issue 9 of Reich by Elijah Brubaker. These books are of special import not only because they are amazing in themselves, but because they are the last projects on which Sparkplug founder Dylan Williams was working before he died of cancer in September 2011.  I can personally say that knowing Dylan was such an inspiration because he was kind and intelligent, but also because of what he did for comics. It would mean a lot to see the sort of projects that Dylan cared about see fruition.

So far, the fundraiser has been going so well that their campaign was even featured on the IndieGoGo homepage, but that doesn’t mean it’s time to call it quits. There are 36 more days to finish their goal of 11,800.

Please consider contributing in anyway that you can, even if it’s just sharing this online and telling your friends.

Another year, another Portland Zine Symposium.

Actually, I am very excited about this year’s zine symposium. While we’ll be at The Refuge for the second year and that space really isn’t big enough for us, it looks like we’re experiencing a re-invigoration among the organizers.

I have been trying to think about why that is and I have come up with a few reasons…

The biggest is that there are two new, awesome zine fests/events/etc. that have popped up with excited and ambitious organizers. The awesome, new LA Zine Fest and Chicago Zine Fest have really helped breathe new life into the idea of organizing zine fests. They have stuck to DIY and non profit kind of attitude, while also trying new, creative, and interactive events and promotions for zines and zine fests. As someone that has been helping out with Portland Zine Symposium for 5 years now, it is so helpful to see new fests with DIY values but also new ideas. It also is inspiring to know some of the organizers and be hearing them trying to figure out how to start he fest and seeing them succeed.

I used to live in Chicago when I was younger and I met Neil Brideau years ago in Portland through comics, we bonded over having lived Chicago, zines, veganism, and biking. When I visited him on a trip to Chicago, we talked at length about the zines and comics community in Chicago and how he might be able to facilitate people coming together in a more solid community. The next thing I new, he had helped start Chicago Zine Fest and registration was opening up for it. He has tried to pick my brain about organization of zine fests over the years…. But I have to confess to being less available than I would like to commiserate, motivate, and brainstorm with him due to my schedule and how I have grown to hate communicating by long emails and rather just talk on the phone.

I met the awesome Eryca Sender at PZS one year for a zine organizers panel, I think it was in 2010. She was helping to begin to plan for LA Zine Fest and I admired her ambition. When I first came into PZS, I felt full of ideas and motivation, but, the last couple years, I have been dealing with burnout and tired of feeling like I was the only one who wanted to do more new things and more events for more zine outreach. Take that dramatic thought with a grain of salt, because other PZS organizers do want to do more things and more outreach, we are just stretched thin with our low number of organizers and some of the other organizers or more grounded and cautious than I, they’re not just boring naysayers or anything. Connecting with her and just having the zine organizers panel discussion reminded me how much interest there is in zine and DIY media and how I need to refocus on bring it together instead of moping that there is a lot to do every year and that it’s hard. Now the LA Zine Fest seems to be off to a great start and it’s so awesome to read Eryca’s updates and my friends reports that the fest has been fun.

I haven’t made it to either the LA or Chicago Zine Fests because my traveling budget the last two years has been nonexistent, but I am really aiming for 2013 to be the year I finally freaking make to to both.

Another big reason that this year feels more exciting and inspiring is because of the Zine Events Organizers google group. I am so thankful that group was started and I have been so thankful to read all the threads about other people’s ideas, thoughts, challenges, etc. To have support int hat way and to be able to participate on a broad scale in supporting other people who are navigating planning zines events and fostering community has been amazing. I feel that group has helped to ground my experience in zine event planning by grounding me in a community of people who are doing the same. What a way to get back in touch with my inspiration!

And having that community now feels critical, having lost a core PZS organizer, Dylan Williams, and an inspiring friend to leukemia last year has hit hard. It has given me another reason why doing this type of volunteer work is so important and why it is fulfilling, so I want to work twice as hard at it again instead of being burnt out. I want to get people involved in this community, the community that someone I respected cared about so much as part of my own way of honoring his memory.

And, this year, we are so lucky because we have potential new organizers for helping out this year, including old organizers coming back. Our potential new organizers this year are hopskotch SunDAY, Martha Grover, Marc Parker, Derek Neuland, and maybe one or two more people. I mention the ones who have expressed the most seriousness so far, just to be cautious. I already know hopskotch is awesome because he does Stumptown Underground (though it means I already know that he is crazy busy), so it’s excited to think of doing another project with him. I don’t know Martha hardly at all, but I love her work and I love the positive and ambitious attitude she’s already bring to PZS, plus I have heard great things about her personally from fellow IPRC volunteer, Micheal Heald.  I haven’t ever done a project with Marc before, but I have known him for quite awhile and he’s been a good friend. I am interested to learn what working with him will be like. Then there’s Derek, who organized with us in 2010, moved away for a year and is now back. Derek has a lot of drive, though we did butt heads a little bit in 2010, I was thankful and proud of us both for working through the little bit of clash we had and I am glad to see him return. The last one or two people that have expressed interest in joining as organizers for PZS haven’t made it to a meeting yet, but I am even excited about them. There just seems like so much new possibility!

Finally, there’s the tried and true. While we may be recovering from slight burnout, I am so thankful for Alex Wrekk and Katie Ash. I have known these ladies for years, worked on various projects with them, and love them to pieces. I am so thankful to have them in my life, much less to be collaborating with both of them. I am thankful for their patience through all the project and personal ups and downs, for their honesty even when it’s been tough, for their dedication to our shared values, and for their continued support. I am lucky to know both of them. Thank you so much, Alex and Katie!

I actually started this post yesterday, because I wanted to announce that PZS table registration was going to be opening up at noon today.  So, anyways, the Portland Zine Symposium registration is up! Go register!

Seriously though, we have fewer tables this year than we have had in quite a while. Even though we’ve been selling out of tables every year, we just haven’t found bigger (and in our price range) space to host us and last year The Refuge was too crowded. This was partially because we had planned on the stage being taken down when determining our table space, but they had just forgot to take it down or decided not to, and also because we don’t really have the workshop space we need there (and they also hadn’t totally cleared the space we assigned for the workshops and we had to change things last minute). The space tried to make it up to us and were nice about it, but we still need to find a bigger venue with more space for our tablers and workshops. We are working on this for 2013, but, in the meantime, we’re making this work. To help it be less crowded to get around in, we are only having 70 tables and only 10 of those will be available as full tables. So, we are estimating on having 10 full table registrations and 120 half table registrations available. You better get on it! http://pdxzines.com/tabling/

When you register, please note the option to select “Up for trades” on the form. What is it? Well, go read about it, darn it! Seriously though, it’s another attempt on our (the organizers’) part to keep PZS zine focused and community-centric. If you select that option, you will be getting a discount on your registration, an “Up For Trades” button to wear during PZS, and some other potential perks. <3

This is mostly a reminder for myself, but I want to share it for the sake of anyone I care about.

Take care, be careful.

Look at your life and the people you love, take time to notice those who give to you. Then take time to give back to them.

Honor who you love and nurture the love of those who honor you.

Remember that you are worth supporting, talk to the people you love about the challenges and issues you face. Don’t chase those who only are capable of taking from you, those who only make demands on you, or those who isolate you from your support network. Especially when you have people waiting to to be there for you, missing you, waiting to catch you.

Every destructive circumstance you chase hurts those who desire to build greatness with you, whether through collaboration on projects/work, within friendships, or through love and intimacy. Challenge yourself to learn to fall less, to look critically at your behavior/patterns, and to resist urges to take potentially dangerous leaps. Not just for yourself and your own stability, but for those who hurt for you when you are hurt.

I share this song because it has been running through my head on repeat while thinking about all this and the situations I am finding myself in….

This has been a long lesson for me to learn throughout my adult life and I feel I am learning it more all the time, as a struggle to balance my giving nature, my open-heartedness, and my optimism with the reality of how people actually are and the idea that I should proceed more cautiously into close relationships. Part of this has always been my eagerness to be loved, as much of my life has been in love-deficit.

A major aspect that appeals to me about polyamory and polyamorous community is the potential to be more accountable to myself in relationships, as I have other people that are relying on me to be ethical, communicative, safe, and healthy. And, when I say healthy, I am not just speaking to physical or sexual health, but to emotional health. This last week, or even the last couple of months, has been full of circumstances and epiphanies that have really been evidence of the power of my little polyamorous community for good in my life, as well as for challenges in having every link in the chain working together to bear the load and deal with challenges. And while the community can work together to bear the load, it becomes clear when a link is weak in any way because it hurts us all and damages trust and safety throughout the chain.

This is a hard thing to face. Many of us who gravitate toward polyamory often do so because we do not apply scarcity economics to love relationships (more on the subject of love and scarcity economics here, if you are unfamiliar, it’s a great read). Many of us feel full of love to give, but it is important to ground that in the reality of space/time constraints. We resist rules or limits—I certainly do, and a case made against rules in relationships that I relate to can be found here—which is fine, if we are really practicing good time-management skills and communicating thoroughly. It begins to sink into chaos if we forget to make time for what we have or to neglect to communicate thoroughly.

Here is to me hoping that our combined strength can reinforce any weak areas with love, communication, and understanding. For it is not the universe that provides or catches each of us, it is the conscious choice of all of us to be there for each other and face difficulties together with love, the conscious choice of us all to be there for each other.

I just had a wonderful coffee date at my house with Marisa (the partner of my partner Antonio) complete with mutual emotional support and acceptance. And vegan brownie bites.

Life is only this wonderful when you work really hard on yourself and don’t accept contentment. When you face what you really want in life, believe that it’s possible, believe that you’re worth it, are willing to take risks, are willing to be vulnerable, and are willing to put yourself out there, people who are wonderful WILL come into your life….

Now I am listening to a mix that Jon made me while thinking about how to continue sharing about my relationships in this post. So, let me start with posting the mix I made for Antonio…

Lost, Dropped and Cancelled – A Valentine’s Mix for Antonio -  http://ge.tt/3M55WME

1. Modern Man by Arcade Fire
2. An Experiment by Mates of State
3.  Turn Into Something by Animal Collective
4. Lost, Dropped and Cancelled by Rainer Maria
5. The Universe Is Going to Catch You by The Antlers
6. True Affection by BLOW
7. Seeing Other People by Belle And Sebastian
8. Secret Heart by Feist
9. Without You by Empire of the Sun
10. But What Of The Strangers by Thao With Get Down Stay Down
11. Barefeet by Kickball
12. Let Go by Frou Frou
13.  And It Spread The Avett Brothers
14. How Many by Tender Forever
15. I Think I Need a New Heart by The Magnetic Fields
16. Heavy Cross by The Gossip
17. Ever Fallen In Love? by The Buzzcocks
18. Something’s Got A Hold On Me by Etta James
19. Here I Am (Come And Take Me) by Al Green
20. Some Of Your Lovin’ by Dusty Springfield
21. Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow by Ben E. King
22. Love → Building On Fire by Talking Heads

Just a note, each of the mixes I share are one, long mp3 file that I have mixed together.

I am having a busy day, so I will add more about relationships and such, as well as post my mix for Marisa (that I am still working on) in a couple of days. In the meantime, enjoy!

Let me put what you probably came here for first, the music mix because this post may be very “Too Long; Didn’t Read” unless you’re interested in reading a lot about the personal development of my style of relationships and the current state of them…

How I Got To Loving You – A Valentine’s Mix for Matt - http://ge.tt/6lFqN6E

1. Hott Date by The Gossip
2. Body by Thao With Get Down Stay Down
3. Love Out Of Lust by Lykke Li
4. Did You See The Words by Animal Collective
5. The Book of Love by The Magnetic Field
6. Addicted To Love (Robert Palmer Cover)
7. Pieces Of The People We Love by The Rapture
8. I Found A Reason by Cat Power
9. Like u Crazy by Mates of State
10.  Let’s Make Love and Listen To Death From Above by CSS
11. Romantic Rights by Death From Above
12. True Believer by Dragonette
13.  Armour Love by La Roux
14. Ain’t Nobody by Rufus & Chaka Khan
15. At Last by Etta James
16. Simply Beautiful by Al Green
17. You’re All I Need To Get By by Aretha Franklin
18. Love Song by The Cure
19. The Reason the Night is Long be Rainer Maria
20. Happiness Is All The Rage by The Promise Ring
21. I Love You More Than Words Can Say by Otis Redding
22. Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
23. This Must Be the Place [Naive Melody] by Talking Heads

I like holidays as an excuse to celebrate, have fun, and express oneself. I don’t like the commercialization of holidays, but I try not to be Grinchy about it by just making any holiday another reason to celebrate the people in my life, to whatever capacity. Even though I hope that I always am giving the people in my life energy and attention that them that I care about each of them, from everyone to friends or lovers (even though my life is busy and hectic).

For each of my partners, I made romance-inspired mixes. I definitely love making mixes, I used to spend hours queuing up tapes when I was much younger, in effort to express my feelings with songs relevant to me about everything from the government to a crush. I like keeping that tradition alive and have been diving back into that a bit this past year. For each of these mixing inspired by the spirit of giving your loved ones gifts for Valentine’s Day, I tried to compose a song list, from start to beginning, that might represent the journey of our whole relationship… But also songs that I like and sound pretty to me. I spent many hours combing through lyrics of songs in my music files (and adding some I new I wanted but weren’t in my digital library), trying to decide which songs worked to help express and tell a story of each of these relationships from their beginning until now. Then I spent many more hours trying to find which songs worked for the overall flow of the mix and layering the tracks in Audacity to, hopefully, have each transition nicely into the next. I think I did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself, Matt said that sometime he didn’t even realize the songs had changed from one to the next until a few songs later. That made me feel very dorkishly proud or myself.

If you’ve checked out other mixes that I have made, you’ll see a couple familiar songs. Some songs just always speak to me, like “Like u Crazy” by Mates of State, it’s a song that runs through my head whenever I am crushing hard on someone. In this set of recent mixes I made, I found myself putting “Armour Love” by La Roux on both the mix for Matt and the mix for Jon.

For Matt, I put “Armour Love” in thinking all the lyrics were things I could imagine him saying to me because of the way our relationship has developed. I actually met Matt a year and a half ago, when I was in the worst romantic relationship of my life, but it happened to be technically ”open.” I was really in bad emotional shape, very vulnerable and very used to dealing with an aggressive and angry partner, so I was so nervous about anyone being aggressive and untrustworthy. I also met him through very new circumstances in my life,which made me feel particularly vulnerable. So, as I got to know him more and my feelings just grew for him, I still had to face the lingering insecurities and defensiveness about where I was when I met him. He has been ridiculously patient and comforting and present for all of it.

For Jon, I put in “Armour Love” because I felt the lyrics were many things I often express to him. He is younger than me, hasn’t had very many relationships, and being with me is his first poly experience. I find that, with him, I often take a more reassuring and patient role, asking him not to be defensive. I met Jon back in September, after having been with Antonio for a few months and gained a lot of my romantic confidence and healthy love habits back. To note, Matt is older than me. I describe all this because it is fascinating to me the way roles can be so different between two people having relationships at the same time. So much so, that a song that speaks to me about one person, completely reverses with another.

I made 4 mixes in total. I made one for each of my partners, Matt, Jon, and Antonio. The 4th mix I made, however, was actually one for Marisa, who is a partner of Antonio that I met pretty soon after I started dating him. Antonio and Marisa had been partnered for about 8 months when I met him, and I was very excited that, in their style of open relationships, they were more openly polyAMORous and were both interested in each knowing each other’s partners, because it was in accordance with my ideal version of polyamory.  Marisa and I, however, have had some rough patches in figuring out how to relate to each other. Mainly, I think, because she had friends who knew me and didn’t like me, so she was expecting that I was mean or wouldn’t like her. The last few months, however, we’ve gradually grown closer as we both faced the negative feelings and worked on them honestly and with open hearts. The recent times we’ve had coffee, we’ve expressed to each other how proud we are of each other and it’s a connection that has developed in such a meaningful way, I can only be thankful if it continues to grow, it very much moves me. Because of all that work, I deeply value our growing connection and wanted to include her on my mix list and make something to her that might express the journey of our friendship. She is just as important to me as Antonio.

I started all the mixes at the same time, but I finished Matt’s first. Then I finished Jon’s…

Another Great Battle of Love for a Pessimist – A Valentine’s Mix for Jon -  http://ge.tt/8aSsW6E

1. I Know Places by Lykke Li
2. Wet and Rusting by Menomena
3. Sentimental Tune by Tegan And Sara
4. Love Me Like You Mean It be Percy Sledge
5. Sea of Love by Cat Power
6. Just Say Yes by The Cure
7. Uh-Oh, Love Comes To Town by Talking Heads
8. Must Be Dreaming by Frou Frou
9. The Light by Common
10. Get Better by Mates of State
11. Hold On Tight by Electric Light Orchestra
12. Armour Love by La Roux
13. September by Earth, Wind & Fire
14. Trust In Me by Etta James
15. Try A Little Tenderness by Otis Redding
16. The Look of Love Dusty Springfield
17. Let’s Stay Together by Al Green
18. Keeping You Alive by The Gossip
19. Ain’t Nobody by Rufus & Chaka Khan
20. Easy Love by MSTRKRFT
21. You’ve Got The Love by Florence + The Machine
22. Glory Of Love by Otis Redding

Last week, there was one question I fielded a lot, in one form or another, which was, “How are you handling Valentine’s day?” I had a variety of answers, but mostly, they were some form of “Well, I am going to use it as another reason to plan special dates with the people I love.”

Of course, it helped that Antonio is pretty Grinchy about holidays and I didn’t imagine hanging out with him on that specific day was terribly important to him. I talked to Jon about it and he was pretty indifferent, so I planned to spend Valentine’s Day with Matt and the next day with Jon.

Part of giving each partner their mix, so far, has been hanging out with them and listening to it with them. Jon and I went out to dinner, then came home for a desert I made, then watched some Star Trek, then I gave him his card (that I made at the IPRC!) and mix cd. He put it on and we laid in bed listening to it together. We were both feeling close and emotional, but I felt so close to him when, during “Armour Love,” he starting really tearing up and thanking me for always being there for him and for my patience. I should note here, as I noted to him at the time, that there are very many times he has been there for and patient with me. We pretty much talked about all the songs as they were playing though, so making the mixes felt great in that I was expressing myself to my partner about the course of our relationship, but also because I received an engaged and communicative response. It was very wonderful…

So, if you don’t know me very well or we haven’t talked recently, here is where I am going to share the course of polyamory for me, as well as sharing about my current relationships. I tend to like blogging and zine stuff for the purpose of sharing, I find that sharing helps me process my own experience, as well as opens up potential, deep dialog with friends and acquaintances who might be having similar experiences.

After over 7 years of thinking about, working on, and engaging in polyamorous relationships, there are 3 people that I love deeply and have amazing relationships with right now, which I probably already made pretty clear above. To talk about those relationships further, I feel it’s important to explain that each of these relationships involve intimacy, commitment, dedication, sex, communication, and complete openness. The words “I love you!” are frequently thrown around with excitement, ease, and earnest. These three people are mostly straight-identifying men that each have met each other, each accept each other, each show care and concern for each other, and a couple of them go out for coffee without me.

All of that , with three wonderful people, and I still continue to go on dates to explore other kinds of possibilities and am open to (but not really actively searching for) new relationships developing with other people (especially in the hopes of finding a female-type of partner).

I have felt that I am a polyamorous person for 10 years now, basically as soon as I heard the term, but I only had my first, little beginning in non monogomous experience 7 years ago. It quite scared me and was weird and not the right fit for me. Mainly because it was a torrid affair and we were seeing other people, not both seeking and having deep relationships. Oh, that and probably that fact that I was 21. I kept going back to monogamy after that first try at non monogamy. I would have stints of openly dating, as most Portland 20-somethings tend to do, but I would, inevitably, fall in love with someone after a little while. And, quite often, it just kept happening to be a monogamously-identified person… Then, around 24, a switch flipped for me.

I had been choosing to compromise my identity for the sake of exploring my feelings of love for another person within the context of monogamy and had come to an ending… But, this time, I wasn’t going to compromise to myself. I was going to “Just Say No” to monogamy. If someone was really into me and it was really going to work out with them, they’d accept me for who I was, a person that loves embraces my capacity to love more than one person romantically and wants to celebrate that capacity to love by loving openly where love was found between another person and I.

Once I decided that, I had to figure out where my boundaries were and how I would ethically communicate those ideas as soon liked someone and that person and I were going on a date. After all, a conversation about what kind of relationship you want on first date is a great way to save each person a heck of a lot of time, right?

I feel that non monogamy is a great umbrella term for any kind of relationship that isn’t monogamous, from swingers to closed triads. Once you figure out you want to try non monogamy, there is then the adventure of understanding what kind of non monogamous situation is healthy, achievable, and sustainable for you… Just like any other relationship. For me, it’s a lot like how I have monogamous, romantic, love-based relationships. I have never been hookup person or casual dater. It just doesn’t work for me and isn’t fulfilling. I am a romantic. When I am in healthy love-relationships, love gives me this crazy energy that makes every mountain seem like a pebble.

But still being 24, I was very much learning how to pick good people to partner with and, honestly, too trusting. So learning how to pick good partners for long term relationships still, then adding on learning how to pick a good partner that was good at each of us having more.

Then add in that I live in a town where it seems like most twenty-somethings are either focused on having casual hookups, having dramatic and codependent affairs, or some kind of combination of both. I made rules for myself, to try to protect my open and excitable heart… Don’t kiss someone for the first time if either of you are drunk. Try not to sleep with someone before 3 dates (not that it’s wrong to sleep with someone on the first date, I often broke this rule in my early twenties getting swept up in moments), get to know them so you’re more likely to be fulfilled in the long run. Bring up sexual health before you even kiss to be ethical for yourself, but also to see if you’re dealing with a person that can talk openly and ethically. Bring up the kinds of relationships you want or are open to before getting intimate, why go further with a kiss if I am to talking to someone who has relationships the same way I do and way have any kind of sex with someone if I know that’s not fulfilling for me outside of a relationship? I rather keep friends and be ethical than jump on every ship that passes me by because it looks exciting.

To the outsider, to someone who doesn’t want these kind of relationships, this can sound like a lot of work.

It totally is…

And, for a while, I wondered if I would ever achieve having more than one deeply romantic partner at once, much less in the way I idealized. I haven’t ever seen the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” kind of policy that some people engage in for their non monogamous relationships work within the context of polyamory… Most importantly, I didn’t think it would ever work for me because I certainly didn’t feel comfortable with it. In my dream world, the people I loved would know each other, would at least be friendly with each other, if not find friendships with each other because they have shared values and experiences. In my dream world, I would tell a partner I loved about possible people I was interested in asking out, as I woul dmy best friend, and that partner could reciprocate. We would be supportive and accepting of each other’s interests from professions to projects to people, because we felt secure with each other and had a deep connection. And, in any moment where we felt neglected or insecure of afraid, we would talk and come out the other side feeling even closer.

For the longest time, however, all those ideas were dreams, romantic fantasies, that I was working to achieve through trail and error. Often heartbreaking error and (one long period of time of) one incredibly unhealthy, abusive error because I kept trying to believe in one person who would often say the things that sounded great and hopeful, but usually did not follow through and was very destructive. Like any hard and painful event or circumstance in my life, however, I am oddly thankful to have gone through it. Though I went through a big period of “What The Fuck Was I Thinking?!” a year ago, when I finally ejected that person from my life, I think I wouldn’t have been gotten so much more picky about sticking to what I want and protective of myself. The place where I found people that were really interested in me, engaging me on my terms, and compatible with me. I often wonder if being so vulnerable coming out of that attracted more caring people, but I also think that going through that made me more certain to say no to people who were definitely not on board with my orientation and my style of relationships…

Which is to be open, loving, and deeply connected. Relationships where we all add to each other’s life, with acceptance of each person, without walls between each partner, with agreement in what boundaries work for all of us, and fully facing whatever fears we face. All this means that we each only bring in new people into our lives who will honor those boundaries, agreements, each of the relationships we have in a deep way.

I am going to end this post here and work on second post continuing these thoughts and with the other two mixes to be posted soon.

So, here is the level-headed explanation of the more emotional post I made a few days back.

Most of you who know me know that I am not monogamous. The last few months, I have been having some amazing dating experiences that have put a lot of distance between me and the hurt of the big, bad ex. I have been feeling more like myself, I have been happy (though I was crazy busy and stretched thin the couple months before PZS), and I have had some really amazing, respectful lovers.

One of the best things I heard over the last few months was from my friend Alex, during the PZS Zinester’s Karaoke at Floating World. She said something to the tune of, “I just wanted to say that I have been really happy to see you getting back to yourself, you seem really happy.” This meant so much to me. One thing I have been dealing with is the embarrassment that I stayed in an abusive relationship for so long and that I chose to be so unhappy. For such a long time before that, things were pretty alright. I dodged a lot of dicey partners for years, I had a lot of nice little relationships, some ending better than others, but nothing blatantly horrible. I have struggled the last few months with the idea that my friends have got used to seeing me unhappy and that I am just “that girl” now. It meant so much to hear from a long time friend that she remembered how I was and was happy to see me going back to it.

The thing is, I am not just totally okay now. I am much closer to okay, but little mistakes and challenges in relationships can still throw me for a loop because I am still reconditioning myself to be the trusting and optimistic person I used to be, 2 years ago, before entering into a 18-month relationship with a dishonest, chaotic person struggling with alcoholism. I am trying to balance being careful, so as not to enter into a similar situation, with also being openhearted… Being openhearted, thinking the best of people, is how I would prefer to be, but it’s also, I think, how an abusive person was able to so pervade my life. I kept thinking he was just making mistakes or going through a rough time when, in reality, that’s how he always was… To balance being open to love with being emotionally safe, this is proving to be hard.

Now, I recently decided to fluid-bond with a newer partner who I am totally adoring. I wasn’t fluid-bonded with anyone in a sexual way and I am in a place where I thought that maybe it was too big of a risk to take because of some of the issues in my last relationship. Namely that the ex had repeatedly broken our fluid bond, anonymously and unsafely, and would then “confess” it to me later, then minimalize my concerns and pain regarding the breach of trust. Why he didn’t have better sexual standards for himself, much less me, is beyond me. I think he is just reckless and self-destructive. Maybe it is partly a generational thing. Being younger, I have had more access to safe sex and better sexual health education at an earlier age. Anyways, because of this, becoming fluid-bonded with someone the last few months is essentially making myself really vulnerable to triggering the trauma caused by his repeated dishonesty and lack of safety.

I set up the person I was fluid-bonded with, a boy I am dating, on a date with a lady friend of mine that I really like, thinking they would like each other. Everything was awesome and above the board. When I saw him the next day, however, I got the news that they had slept together and the condom had broke. And he had not had a sexual health talk with her before sleeping with her. This person also has not been in a truly polyamorous relationship before (but has dated multiple people before casually). For me, the biggest part of what hurt about it was that the fluid-bond had been broken. Though he had tried to respect my boundaries (I am not really interested in being fluid-bonded with more than one person at this point) and had been safe, an accident had happened. Even though he was honest and told me right away, it hurt in a deeply intense way. I was triggered, I spent the whole day crying, “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I was also not happy that he had not had a talk about sexual health with the person before having sex, but this was not something I had asked for, it something I assumed that adults with multiple sexual partners just always make sure to do (never assume, folks). If you have multiple partners, every encounter you put you and everyone else you sleep with at risk, so know what you’re getting in bed with. Use protection and barriers. I don’t even have oral sex without protection when I am seriously dating a few people and I am not sure that I can comfortable with being fluid-bonded with more than one person (and it turns out that it is emotionally challenging to be fluid-bonded with even one person for me right now ).

What I was happy with was the way he was completely accountable for that and respectful in general… I was fucking impressed that he had the emotional strength to do something I would never ask. To be there with me through it. I spent the day crying off and on, for inexplicable fears and memories of things past, trying to figure out how to move forward from being so triggered, and he was right there with me. Then the next day and the next. Impressive. I vocalized all my fears and issues around the incident and he listened, over three days. From everything to basic “Here are my standards for sexual health in non monogamous relationships, I can’t be fluid-bonded with you unless you practice the same standards…” to “When setting you up with friends, every choice you make effects us, you two, and my friend and I, please be careful because mistakes seem much bigger…” to “I am worried I can’t trust my own judgement and I will think someone is just making mistakes or that I haven’t clarified things enough with someone instead of realizing they are just inconsiderate and unable to respect boundaries.”

And then, there it was: I asked for what I needed, prepared to walk away with only a handful of memories of a new lover (hopefully turned friend), and the knowledge that maybe I am not ready to be fluid-bonded to a partner yet. Maybe I need to stick to light dating because maybe I am still too tender… Except, the thing is, he was cool with it. He was understanding, he was supportive. He didn’t try to minimize my problems or my boundaries.

There was no other shoe. What seemed insurmountable was, in fact, not. Just really hard, but I know that, each time, it will probably get easier. Everything was okay.

All of that inspired this mix for that person…

So Take It Easy (08/23/11) - http://ge.tt/9gd5y77

Song list…

1. Addicted To Love (Robert Palmer Cover) by Florence + The Machine
2. All My Mistakes by The Avett Brothers
3. Fix You Up by Tegan And Sara
4. Of Moons, Birds & Monsters by MGMT
5. Armour Love by La Roux
6. This Too Shall Pass by OK Go
7. Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls
8. My My by Menomena
9. Rise by Rainer Maria
10.  Wake Up by The Arcade Fire
11. Emergency! Emergency! by The Promise Ring
12. Know Better Learn Faster by Thao With Get Down Stay Down
13. Folds In Your Hands by Passion Pit
14. Like u Crazy by Mates of State
15. If There’s Such A Thing As Love by The Magnetic Fields
16. You’ve Got The Love by Florence + The Machine
17.  Livin’ Thing by Electric Light Orchestraa
18.  Feeling Good by Nina Simone
19. Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin) by Sly and The Family Stone
20.  Lazy Confessions by The Moldy Peaches
21. Thank You Friends by Big Star

So, there’s all that. Those of you who have known me for a long time know this already, but, for those of  that I post all this in public not only to make myself accountable for my own choices and healing, but also to process “out loud” for myself… And also in the hopes that anyone dealing with any similar issues might relate or find meaning in all of this and feel less alone in their own struggles. <3