A Modern Woman on the Move

Let me put what you probably came here for first, the music mix because this post may be very “Too Long; Didn’t Read” unless you’re interested in reading a lot about the personal development of my style of relationships and the current state of them…

How I Got To Loving You – A Valentine’s Mix for Matt - http://ge.tt/6lFqN6E

1. Hott Date by The Gossip
2. Body by Thao With Get Down Stay Down
3. Love Out Of Lust by Lykke Li
4. Did You See The Words by Animal Collective
5. The Book of Love by The Magnetic Field
6. Addicted To Love (Robert Palmer Cover)
7. Pieces Of The People We Love by The Rapture
8. I Found A Reason by Cat Power
9. Like u Crazy by Mates of State
10.  Let’s Make Love and Listen To Death From Above by CSS
11. Romantic Rights by Death From Above
12. True Believer by Dragonette
13.  Armour Love by La Roux
14. Ain’t Nobody by Rufus & Chaka Khan
15. At Last by Etta James
16. Simply Beautiful by Al Green
17. You’re All I Need To Get By by Aretha Franklin
18. Love Song by The Cure
19. The Reason the Night is Long be Rainer Maria
20. Happiness Is All The Rage by The Promise Ring
21. I Love You More Than Words Can Say by Otis Redding
22. Maps by Yeah Yeah Yeahs
23. This Must Be the Place [Naive Melody] by Talking Heads

I like holidays as an excuse to celebrate, have fun, and express oneself. I don’t like the commercialization of holidays, but I try not to be Grinchy about it by just making any holiday another reason to celebrate the people in my life, to whatever capacity. Even though I hope that I always am giving the people in my life energy and attention that them that I care about each of them, from everyone to friends or lovers (even though my life is busy and hectic).

For each of my partners, I made romance-inspired mixes. I definitely love making mixes, I used to spend hours queuing up tapes when I was much younger, in effort to express my feelings with songs relevant to me about everything from the government to a crush. I like keeping that tradition alive and have been diving back into that a bit this past year. For each of these mixing inspired by the spirit of giving your loved ones gifts for Valentine’s Day, I tried to compose a song list, from start to beginning, that might represent the journey of our whole relationship… But also songs that I like and sound pretty to me. I spent many hours combing through lyrics of songs in my music files (and adding some I new I wanted but weren’t in my digital library), trying to decide which songs worked to help express and tell a story of each of these relationships from their beginning until now. Then I spent many more hours trying to find which songs worked for the overall flow of the mix and layering the tracks in Audacity to, hopefully, have each transition nicely into the next. I think I did a pretty good job, if I do say so myself, Matt said that sometime he didn’t even realize the songs had changed from one to the next until a few songs later. That made me feel very dorkishly proud or myself.

If you’ve checked out other mixes that I have made, you’ll see a couple familiar songs. Some songs just always speak to me, like “Like u Crazy” by Mates of State, it’s a song that runs through my head whenever I am crushing hard on someone. In this set of recent mixes I made, I found myself putting “Armour Love” by La Roux on both the mix for Matt and the mix for Jon.

For Matt, I put “Armour Love” in thinking all the lyrics were things I could imagine him saying to me because of the way our relationship has developed. I actually met Matt a year and a half ago, when I was in the worst romantic relationship of my life, but it happened to be technically ”open.” I was really in bad emotional shape, very vulnerable and very used to dealing with an aggressive and angry partner, so I was so nervous about anyone being aggressive and untrustworthy. I also met him through very new circumstances in my life,which made me feel particularly vulnerable. So, as I got to know him more and my feelings just grew for him, I still had to face the lingering insecurities and defensiveness about where I was when I met him. He has been ridiculously patient and comforting and present for all of it.

For Jon, I put in “Armour Love” because I felt the lyrics were many things I often express to him. He is younger than me, hasn’t had very many relationships, and being with me is his first poly experience. I find that, with him, I often take a more reassuring and patient role, asking him not to be defensive. I met Jon back in September, after having been with Antonio for a few months and gained a lot of my romantic confidence and healthy love habits back. To note, Matt is older than me. I describe all this because it is fascinating to me the way roles can be so different between two people having relationships at the same time. So much so, that a song that speaks to me about one person, completely reverses with another.

I made 4 mixes in total. I made one for each of my partners, Matt, Jon, and Antonio. The 4th mix I made, however, was actually one for Marisa, who is a partner of Antonio that I met pretty soon after I started dating him. Antonio and Marisa had been partnered for about 8 months when I met him, and I was very excited that, in their style of open relationships, they were more openly polyAMORous and were both interested in each knowing each other’s partners, because it was in accordance with my ideal version of polyamory.  Marisa and I, however, have had some rough patches in figuring out how to relate to each other. Mainly, I think, because she had friends who knew me and didn’t like me, so she was expecting that I was mean or wouldn’t like her. The last few months, however, we’ve gradually grown closer as we both faced the negative feelings and worked on them honestly and with open hearts. The recent times we’ve had coffee, we’ve expressed to each other how proud we are of each other and it’s a connection that has developed in such a meaningful way, I can only be thankful if it continues to grow, it very much moves me. Because of all that work, I deeply value our growing connection and wanted to include her on my mix list and make something to her that might express the journey of our friendship. She is just as important to me as Antonio.

I started all the mixes at the same time, but I finished Matt’s first. Then I finished Jon’s…

Another Great Battle of Love for a Pessimist – A Valentine’s Mix for Jon -  http://ge.tt/8aSsW6E

1. I Know Places by Lykke Li
2. Wet and Rusting by Menomena
3. Sentimental Tune by Tegan And Sara
4. Love Me Like You Mean It be Percy Sledge
5. Sea of Love by Cat Power
6. Just Say Yes by The Cure
7. Uh-Oh, Love Comes To Town by Talking Heads
8. Must Be Dreaming by Frou Frou
9. The Light by Common
10. Get Better by Mates of State
11. Hold On Tight by Electric Light Orchestra
12. Armour Love by La Roux
13. September by Earth, Wind & Fire
14. Trust In Me by Etta James
15. Try A Little Tenderness by Otis Redding
16. The Look of Love Dusty Springfield
17. Let’s Stay Together by Al Green
18. Keeping You Alive by The Gossip
19. Ain’t Nobody by Rufus & Chaka Khan
20. Easy Love by MSTRKRFT
21. You’ve Got The Love by Florence + The Machine
22. Glory Of Love by Otis Redding

Last week, there was one question I fielded a lot, in one form or another, which was, “How are you handling Valentine’s day?” I had a variety of answers, but mostly, they were some form of “Well, I am going to use it as another reason to plan special dates with the people I love.”

Of course, it helped that Antonio is pretty Grinchy about holidays and I didn’t imagine hanging out with him on that specific day was terribly important to him. I talked to Jon about it and he was pretty indifferent, so I planned to spend Valentine’s Day with Matt and the next day with Jon.

Part of giving each partner their mix, so far, has been hanging out with them and listening to it with them. Jon and I went out to dinner, then came home for a desert I made, then watched some Star Trek, then I gave him his card (that I made at the IPRC!) and mix cd. He put it on and we laid in bed listening to it together. We were both feeling close and emotional, but I felt so close to him when, during “Armour Love,” he starting really tearing up and thanking me for always being there for him and for my patience. I should note here, as I noted to him at the time, that there are very many times he has been there for and patient with me. We pretty much talked about all the songs as they were playing though, so making the mixes felt great in that I was expressing myself to my partner about the course of our relationship, but also because I received an engaged and communicative response. It was very wonderful…

So, if you don’t know me very well or we haven’t talked recently, here is where I am going to share the course of polyamory for me, as well as sharing about my current relationships. I tend to like blogging and zine stuff for the purpose of sharing, I find that sharing helps me process my own experience, as well as opens up potential, deep dialog with friends and acquaintances who might be having similar experiences.

After over 7 years of thinking about, working on, and engaging in polyamorous relationships, there are 3 people that I love deeply and have amazing relationships with right now, which I probably already made pretty clear above. To talk about those relationships further, I feel it’s important to explain that each of these relationships involve intimacy, commitment, dedication, sex, communication, and complete openness. The words “I love you!” are frequently thrown around with excitement, ease, and earnest. These three people are mostly straight-identifying men that each have met each other, each accept each other, each show care and concern for each other, and a couple of them go out for coffee without me.

All of that , with three wonderful people, and I still continue to go on dates to explore other kinds of possibilities and am open to (but not really actively searching for) new relationships developing with other people (especially in the hopes of finding a female-type of partner).

I have felt that I am a polyamorous person for 10 years now, basically as soon as I heard the term, but I only had my first, little beginning in non monogomous experience 7 years ago. It quite scared me and was weird and not the right fit for me. Mainly because it was a torrid affair and we were seeing other people, not both seeking and having deep relationships. Oh, that and probably that fact that I was 21. I kept going back to monogamy after that first try at non monogamy. I would have stints of openly dating, as most Portland 20-somethings tend to do, but I would, inevitably, fall in love with someone after a little while. And, quite often, it just kept happening to be a monogamously-identified person… Then, around 24, a switch flipped for me.

I had been choosing to compromise my identity for the sake of exploring my feelings of love for another person within the context of monogamy and had come to an ending… But, this time, I wasn’t going to compromise to myself. I was going to “Just Say No” to monogamy. If someone was really into me and it was really going to work out with them, they’d accept me for who I was, a person that loves embraces my capacity to love more than one person romantically and wants to celebrate that capacity to love by loving openly where love was found between another person and I.

Once I decided that, I had to figure out where my boundaries were and how I would ethically communicate those ideas as soon liked someone and that person and I were going on a date. After all, a conversation about what kind of relationship you want on first date is a great way to save each person a heck of a lot of time, right?

I feel that non monogamy is a great umbrella term for any kind of relationship that isn’t monogamous, from swingers to closed triads. Once you figure out you want to try non monogamy, there is then the adventure of understanding what kind of non monogamous situation is healthy, achievable, and sustainable for you… Just like any other relationship. For me, it’s a lot like how I have monogamous, romantic, love-based relationships. I have never been hookup person or casual dater. It just doesn’t work for me and isn’t fulfilling. I am a romantic. When I am in healthy love-relationships, love gives me this crazy energy that makes every mountain seem like a pebble.

But still being 24, I was very much learning how to pick good people to partner with and, honestly, too trusting. So learning how to pick good partners for long term relationships still, then adding on learning how to pick a good partner that was good at each of us having more.

Then add in that I live in a town where it seems like most twenty-somethings are either focused on having casual hookups, having dramatic and codependent affairs, or some kind of combination of both. I made rules for myself, to try to protect my open and excitable heart… Don’t kiss someone for the first time if either of you are drunk. Try not to sleep with someone before 3 dates (not that it’s wrong to sleep with someone on the first date, I often broke this rule in my early twenties getting swept up in moments), get to know them so you’re more likely to be fulfilled in the long run. Bring up sexual health before you even kiss to be ethical for yourself, but also to see if you’re dealing with a person that can talk openly and ethically. Bring up the kinds of relationships you want or are open to before getting intimate, why go further with a kiss if I am to talking to someone who has relationships the same way I do and way have any kind of sex with someone if I know that’s not fulfilling for me outside of a relationship? I rather keep friends and be ethical than jump on every ship that passes me by because it looks exciting.

To the outsider, to someone who doesn’t want these kind of relationships, this can sound like a lot of work.

It totally is…

And, for a while, I wondered if I would ever achieve having more than one deeply romantic partner at once, much less in the way I idealized. I haven’t ever seen the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” kind of policy that some people engage in for their non monogamous relationships work within the context of polyamory… Most importantly, I didn’t think it would ever work for me because I certainly didn’t feel comfortable with it. In my dream world, the people I loved would know each other, would at least be friendly with each other, if not find friendships with each other because they have shared values and experiences. In my dream world, I would tell a partner I loved about possible people I was interested in asking out, as I woul dmy best friend, and that partner could reciprocate. We would be supportive and accepting of each other’s interests from professions to projects to people, because we felt secure with each other and had a deep connection. And, in any moment where we felt neglected or insecure of afraid, we would talk and come out the other side feeling even closer.

For the longest time, however, all those ideas were dreams, romantic fantasies, that I was working to achieve through trail and error. Often heartbreaking error and (one long period of time of) one incredibly unhealthy, abusive error because I kept trying to believe in one person who would often say the things that sounded great and hopeful, but usually did not follow through and was very destructive. Like any hard and painful event or circumstance in my life, however, I am oddly thankful to have gone through it. Though I went through a big period of “What The Fuck Was I Thinking?!” a year ago, when I finally ejected that person from my life, I think I wouldn’t have been gotten so much more picky about sticking to what I want and protective of myself. The place where I found people that were really interested in me, engaging me on my terms, and compatible with me. I often wonder if being so vulnerable coming out of that attracted more caring people, but I also think that going through that made me more certain to say no to people who were definitely not on board with my orientation and my style of relationships…

Which is to be open, loving, and deeply connected. Relationships where we all add to each other’s life, with acceptance of each person, without walls between each partner, with agreement in what boundaries work for all of us, and fully facing whatever fears we face. All this means that we each only bring in new people into our lives who will honor those boundaries, agreements, each of the relationships we have in a deep way.

I am going to end this post here and work on second post continuing these thoughts and with the other two mixes to be posted soon.

A question posed to me on formspring about oysters…

Animal rights activist Peter Singer made an exception for eating oysters. Oysters, he said, could be harvested in an environmentally sustainable way, and because of the lack of a central nervous system, were incapable of suffering. What do you think?

I think it’s fabulously interesting to mull over (that’s the inner biologist in me talking), but I think I will still abstain.

I actually love slate.com and originally read the findings you mention on oysters here: http://www.slate.com/id/2248998/

Peter Singer actually began to make an exception for oysters, but he then retracted it saying, “one cannot with any confidence say that these creatures do feel pain, so one can equally have little confidence in saying that they do not feel pain.”

While I wouldn’t judge a vegan who chose to eat local oysters and agree that it makes more ecological and environmental sense to eat oysters (well, for the record, I am also not in the habit of judging vegetarians or omnivores about their dietary habits either) as opposed to buying Field Roast from Seattle or maybe even Tofurky (more local to me, but still highly packaged), I am not interested in crossing that line. In that same vein, I try to limit my purchases of Field Roast, Tofurky, nonlocal tofu and even produce (I am growing quite a lot in my new and extensive garden). I love Dave’ Killer Bread not just because it’s yummy and healthy, but also because it’s made locally.

We humans are quite amazing animals and we constantly are discovering more and more ways we’re not much more sophisticated and/or intelligent than all other animals, as well as discovering how much more sophisticated and intelligent many animals are compared to what we thought… Because of this, it’s easier for me to just cut out animal products altogether so that I am not worried about the potential unknown, that I unknowingly caused harm to and/or inflicted suffering on another animal. I recently even gave up honey–yes, yes, the horror! I have been vegan for over 6 years and yet I didn’t feel inspired to give up honey until recently. But, there you go, that’s just it. Ideas change, motivations change, I am definitely open to changing my mind when presented with new evidence or other philosophies, which probably contributes to my lack of judging other peoples’ diets.

My personal motivations for being vegan involve minimizing unnecessary harm and suffering of my fellow animals, minimizing damage to the environment/ecosystems from which my food sources come, and minimizing my carbon footprint. So, I am still not interested in eating oysters because I wonder if we can be totally sure the oysters don’t mind. I just rather not run the risk that I have caused another animal harm without realizing it and I am doing quite alright without eating oysters.

Here’s a recent question I received seeking dating advice:

I feel like an idiot for asking this but I’m a 20-something dude. And I want to make it very clear to this girl that I like her. We’ve gone on dates and I’ve paid for stuff, but still. Do I just say “HEY, I LIKE YOU”? That seems so high school.

Being honest can be hard and feel awkward, but when you are honest, you’re more likely to get what you want or need and less likely to be ignored or misinterpreted. You should not feel like an idiot for asking, liking someone, navigating relationships and feelings, it’s hard for MOST people. I think that’s part of the reason people have these elaborate dating games and courtship rituals before just saying, “HEY, I LOVE YOU,” but there are other reasons, like, learning more about the person we’re attracted to before jumping into bed or in love with them. Saying “HEY, I LIKE YOU” may make you feel like you’re back high school, but maybe that’s because during high school was a time period where more of us were more likely to be direct IF we told someone when we liked them because we didn’t have any ideas as to what else to do, before we learned various dating games or got hurt enough times to make us more likely to be emotionally gun shy. I don’t know, but what I DO know is that being direct will bring the situation to head.

There are definitely more mature or suave ways to do it, maybe during or after one of your nice get-togethers (which, yes, sound remarkably like dates), maybe not in all caps, you can bring it up. Just say something honest and direct like, “Hey, so, I have been asking you to hang out so much because I thought I may like you and, after spending time hanging out with you, it’s clear to me that I definitely like you in a more [dately/romantic/intimate] way. How do you feel?” If she’s interested in the same sort of relationship that you are, you both can move forward from there, exploring your compatibility in an honest and mature way . If she’s NOT interested, you can thank her for being honest back to you and move forward with your clearly-no-more-than-friendship relationship.

I also should point out that, she MUST be interested in you in SOME way. If she’s agreeing to hang out with you and letting you pay for things, that a huge sign. In our society, paying for things is often a gesture of romance. I feel awkward letting guys I date pay for everything, so I often announce I will get the next one. Or, if a male friend is trying to pay for me that I don’t like, I insist on covering my half of the bill because I don’t want him to think we’re on a date. Or, if I think I am on a date with a girl and I really like her, I offer to pay for her and girls have insisted on paying for me, saying I can get the next one. If she’s not considering an interest in you that’s more than friendship, than it’s kind of lame that she’d be letting you pay for things (unless she’s reciprocating) and she may just be enjoying the attention. So, you being up front now saves yourself a lot of time if she’s just interested in the attention you’re giving her and has no interest in you.

Have something you’re mulling over? Ask me about it!