A Modern Woman on the Move

It sucks to see any friend make poor relationship choices, much less someone who reminds you of yourself at a younger age, making similar mistakes. I try to tell my friends what I think for the sake of honesty, love, and growth… But I have already been the bearer of bad news for this person regarding a previous partner and I don’t have as strong of reasons to point to with the latest. Plus, maybe this latest person is getting themselves together and my friend and the person will have a great relationship.  So, instead I will take a deep breath and try not to get involved unless directly asked.

And this situation reminds me how I should be working harder on making that collaborative zine about abuse that I have been talking with a couple other women about making, and maybe it should include a big section on red flags in relationships… The the internet is swimming with ideas about these topics, but personal stories with art can be much more powerful. It’s something I should prioritize more…. Sigh.

I want to let comedian friends know that, last night, Jon and I left the Suki’s open mic early because a man who has verbally harassed me and other women at the Boiler Room for *years* happened to be at Suki’s.

I kind of freaked out when I realized he was there because a few months ago, when he was being verbally harassing and demeaning toward me at the Boiler Room, after the open mic and during some fun karaoke, I made fun of him back, in the middle of the song I was singing. I basically said, “Look man, I have seen you for years here at the Boiler Room, harassing me and other women, drunkenly, being demeaning and hostile for in person, while also singing songs about slapping bitches and being gangster. Yet, here you are still, getting drunk alone and angry. Put two-and-two together and stop being angry at women, you’re drunk and alone because you’re a horrible person.” He proceeded to get very angry and try to escalate the situation further, making remarks about how I was dressed, saying I oughtta get slapped, etc. The bar staff asked us to both calm down and stop, but, the next week, when I wasn’t there approached Jon and asked him to tell his lady friend (me) not to be starting problems with people.

This was incredibly frustrating to both of us because… A) How has the bar staff, who sees this guy more often than I ever have, not realized that the issue is this guy’s aggressive and horrible personality? Well, maybe because he often directs it at women, but have they seriously missed every time that I have seen him being harassing, demeaning, and aggressive to their female customers? B) If they think I was the problem, why the heck are they talking to Jon about it? Because they perceive that he is my boyfriend? It makes him feel like he’s in the middle of it, when he’s not the one who even said the thing to the problem guy, I was, and in response to him harassing me.

So, last night, as Jon and I were at the bar to order a beer for him and a tea for me, I see this guy who I honestly and truly find scary, and I start feeling scared. I feel I should be tougher than that, but I was not at all imagining seeing this guy there, I tap Jon on the shoulder and exclaim something like, “This guy?! This guy is here, Jon! Crap, what is this guy doing here??” Admittedly, all while saying this, I was obviously pointing at him.

It’s our turn to order at the bar, so I turn to talk to the really nice and awesome bartender that usually works Suki’s on Tuesdays, during the open mic. My adrenalin is pumping, my heart is racing, so I decide to say something ahead of time, “Hey, just so you know, there is a guy here that has repeatedly verbally harassed me at another bar, as well as other women…” He asked who, I turn around behind me to point to the guy out, turn back around and say, “Can you just keep an eye out for him, because he is really aggressive and…”

Then I am interrupted by none other than the problem guy, who has walking up next to the bar on the stairs next to and just above me, and loudly announces something to the tune of, “Hey, these people,” pointing to Jon (standing behind me) and myself, “have a problem with me, but you just keep them away from me and we’ll be fine!” There was a quick back and forth in which I think the bartender and Jon try to tell him to go sit down, while I say something to the tune of “You’re are the person that has been consistently harassing me, dude.” He walks away then I try to order my drink, but, at this point I am shaking and tearing up. The bartender’s tone is uncomfortable and seems, to me, slightly apologetic as he asks what kind of tea I want…

After all this, Jon and I sat back down at our table, but I am past the point of feeling safe or comfortable enough to stay and I can’t seem to stop crying or shaking, probably just from the adrenalin. I go outside to try to collect myself, but I feel more freaked out before not, Jon isn’t sure what to do and tries to be present with me despite the fact that I am freaked out. When I finally calm down enough, Jon and I decide to leave, but not before I go back to the bar to tell the bouncer at the door of Suki’s (who has always seemed like a nice guy) that I am leaving because of that guy and to explain why.

The bouncer at Suki’s is really awesome about it. He says something along the lines of “I would hate to see you guys leave because of one guy, I can keep an eye on him if you want to try to stay,” as well as a few other supportive things. He seems to be caring and listening. I thank him and explain that I am already too upset to stay this time, but that what he is saying really helps and that I will probably feel safer and less surprised if I ever see him there again, so maybe I will be able to stay.

I think that part of why I got so scared was because I was not prepared to deal with this guy’s really aggressive bullying, I was completely caught off guard. I have been to the Boiler Room without further incident since the time that problem guy had gotten extra aggressive to me because I responded to his harassing remarks, but only because I go there if I am feeling strong enough to deal with ignoring any harassment throne my way.

Walking into Suki’s yesterday, I had just been having a lovely day with Jon, having gone to help the filming that at IPRC, then to Nerd Night to see friends, then planning on enjoying the Suki’s open mic. I had only mentally prepared myself to try to ignore the few ridiculously racist and sexist jokes that inevitably occur at comedy open mics (but that is another post entirely, isn’t it?), not full blown harassment directed at me.

I also wanted to point out that this problem guy’s harassment toward me started out as “complimentary.” He made remarks about me looking hot at the Boiler Room, made remarks about wanting to “do somethin’ with [my] ass,” and so on for the first handful of times. Each time I was dismissive, either through ignoring him or being like, “Uh, no.” Over time, he became more aggressive and more negative. The last occasion, when I really responded to his demeaning in length, he even suggested violence. Yet the bar staff/bouncers at Boiler Room acted as though I was the instigator. Perhaps they lacked the ongoing context, but the context of that night should have been enough, I think. Woman in the karaoke bar is singing, man says demeaning things, women stops singing to insult him back, man retaliates with further remarks including a statement of physical violence.

I fully know that, in his mind, I began insulting him when I did not respond favorably and appreciatively to his sexually harassing “compliments.” And, just for the sake of linking it, there was recently an astute article on cracked.com explaining at least 5 Ways Modern Men Are Trained to Hate Women.  Like many cracked.com articles, however, it did not go on to discuss what you or other men can do about it. I hope that writing about a personal experience gets some men that I know thinking more about what it can feel like to be experiencing harassment, randomly or regularly, and what they can do about it.

It is frustrating to deal with harassing situations because, sometimes, it feels like being a woman means you have to put on armor (physical and/or emotional) before going somewhere or doing something or just being yourself. The things is, being a woman should not mean that you have to put on armor before going somewhere or doing something or just being yourself. 

The reality is that people should just be behaving better. No matter who you are talking to, what gender the person you are talking to is, and no matter what a person is wearing when you see them.

If you like to wear short skirts, you may find yourself thinking, “Should I put this on today, and I prepared to deal with catcalling?” I find myself thinking that, even though I know that social records and studies have shown that what you wear has nothing to do with whatever verbal harassment or sexual assault you may experience (http://www.voicesandfaces.org/rape.asp, http://pathwayscourses.samhsa.gov/vawp/vawp_supps_pg11.htm, http://www.rainn.org/statistics, http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/, http://www.cwfefc.org/svfacts.html, http://www.mencanstoprape.org/Resources/, http://www.ncur20.com/presentations/14/1474/paper.pdf). The facts of the matter indicate that I am likely to encounter sexual harassment or assault just based on the fact that I am a woman. Yet, I still fight the urge to blame myself for how men treat me, fully knowing many facts about verbal harassment, sexual assault, and rape….

In case you don’t click on any of the above links, some potentially meaningful facts to think about regarding how unsafe it can feel to be a women in our society include:

- Every 2 minutes, someone in the U.S. is sexually assaulted.
- 4 out of 5 students (81%) have experienced some from of sexual harassment during their school years.
-  When asked, “Have you ever been harassed (such as verbal comments, honking, whistling, kissing noises, leering/staring, groping, stalking, attempted or achieved assault, etc) while in a public place like the street, on public transportation, or in a store?” Ninety-nine percent of the 225  respondents, which included some men, said they had been harassed at least a few times. Over 65 percent said they were harassed on at least a monthly basis.
- 97% of rapists will never spend a day in jail.
- 38% of rapists are a friend or acquaintance.
- 1 out of 6 women have been victims of rape or attempted rape in their lifetime.
- Rapists are more likely to be a serial criminal than a serial rapist.

I wanted to share this because I felt embarrassed at reacting so negatively and needing to leave, though I know that I am not the one who should feel embarrassed, the harassing guy is the one who should feel embarrassed. The thing is, he probably will never understand that his behavior is not okay because he hangs out at places where people enable him to be a harassing and demeaning person or just have a blind eye to it (apparently, places like the Boiler Room) and  he probably doesn’t remember half of his behavior. I hope that talking about it might help create a safer environment through shared awareness.

When you are a person that has experienced violence in your life, especially from abusive men, it is harder to brush off a random guy at the bar who says things like “Bitch, you oughtta shut up before you get slapped…”  I hope that explaining this kind of horrible and behavior will help more men tune into how the men around them may be creating an unsafe environment for their female friends and how they may be enabling it… Or simply not noticing it because it’s not directed at them.

If you are a guy and you want to think more about how to be a good ally to women in the face of harassment, assault, and rape, consider checking out http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/male-allies/

And, think about some of these helpful intervention tips for males who want to be apart of the solution, not the problem: http://www.stopstreetharassment.org/male-allies/bystander-tips/

Here is a kind of cheesy-but-awesome video of how you can respond when you see other men making women uncomfortable….

So, here is the level-headed explanation of the more emotional post I made a few days back.

Most of you who know me know that I am not monogamous. The last few months, I have been having some amazing dating experiences that have put a lot of distance between me and the hurt of the big, bad ex. I have been feeling more like myself, I have been happy (though I was crazy busy and stretched thin the couple months before PZS), and I have had some really amazing, respectful lovers.

One of the best things I heard over the last few months was from my friend Alex, during the PZS Zinester’s Karaoke at Floating World. She said something to the tune of, “I just wanted to say that I have been really happy to see you getting back to yourself, you seem really happy.” This meant so much to me. One thing I have been dealing with is the embarrassment that I stayed in an abusive relationship for so long and that I chose to be so unhappy. For such a long time before that, things were pretty alright. I dodged a lot of dicey partners for years, I had a lot of nice little relationships, some ending better than others, but nothing blatantly horrible. I have struggled the last few months with the idea that my friends have got used to seeing me unhappy and that I am just “that girl” now. It meant so much to hear from a long time friend that she remembered how I was and was happy to see me going back to it.

The thing is, I am not just totally okay now. I am much closer to okay, but little mistakes and challenges in relationships can still throw me for a loop because I am still reconditioning myself to be the trusting and optimistic person I used to be, 2 years ago, before entering into a 18-month relationship with a dishonest, chaotic person struggling with alcoholism. I am trying to balance being careful, so as not to enter into a similar situation, with also being openhearted… Being openhearted, thinking the best of people, is how I would prefer to be, but it’s also, I think, how an abusive person was able to so pervade my life. I kept thinking he was just making mistakes or going through a rough time when, in reality, that’s how he always was… To balance being open to love with being emotionally safe, this is proving to be hard.

Now, I recently decided to fluid-bond with a newer partner who I am totally adoring. I wasn’t fluid-bonded with anyone in a sexual way and I am in a place where I thought that maybe it was too big of a risk to take because of some of the issues in my last relationship. Namely that the ex had repeatedly broken our fluid bond, anonymously and unsafely, and would then “confess” it to me later, then minimalize my concerns and pain regarding the breach of trust. Why he didn’t have better sexual standards for himself, much less me, is beyond me. I think he is just reckless and self-destructive. Maybe it is partly a generational thing. Being younger, I have had more access to safe sex and better sexual health education at an earlier age. Anyways, because of this, becoming fluid-bonded with someone the last few months is essentially making myself really vulnerable to triggering the trauma caused by his repeated dishonesty and lack of safety.

I set up the person I was fluid-bonded with, a boy I am dating, on a date with a lady friend of mine that I really like, thinking they would like each other. Everything was awesome and above the board. When I saw him the next day, however, I got the news that they had slept together and the condom had broke. And he had not had a sexual health talk with her before sleeping with her. This person also has not been in a truly polyamorous relationship before (but has dated multiple people before casually). For me, the biggest part of what hurt about it was that the fluid-bond had been broken. Though he had tried to respect my boundaries (I am not really interested in being fluid-bonded with more than one person at this point) and had been safe, an accident had happened. Even though he was honest and told me right away, it hurt in a deeply intense way. I was triggered, I spent the whole day crying, “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I was also not happy that he had not had a talk about sexual health with the person before having sex, but this was not something I had asked for, it something I assumed that adults with multiple sexual partners just always make sure to do (never assume, folks). If you have multiple partners, every encounter you put you and everyone else you sleep with at risk, so know what you’re getting in bed with. Use protection and barriers. I don’t even have oral sex without protection when I am seriously dating a few people and I am not sure that I can comfortable with being fluid-bonded with more than one person (and it turns out that it is emotionally challenging to be fluid-bonded with even one person for me right now ).

What I was happy with was the way he was completely accountable for that and respectful in general… I was fucking impressed that he had the emotional strength to do something I would never ask. To be there with me through it. I spent the day crying off and on, for inexplicable fears and memories of things past, trying to figure out how to move forward from being so triggered, and he was right there with me. Then the next day and the next. Impressive. I vocalized all my fears and issues around the incident and he listened, over three days. From everything to basic “Here are my standards for sexual health in non monogamous relationships, I can’t be fluid-bonded with you unless you practice the same standards…” to “When setting you up with friends, every choice you make effects us, you two, and my friend and I, please be careful because mistakes seem much bigger…” to “I am worried I can’t trust my own judgement and I will think someone is just making mistakes or that I haven’t clarified things enough with someone instead of realizing they are just inconsiderate and unable to respect boundaries.”

And then, there it was: I asked for what I needed, prepared to walk away with only a handful of memories of a new lover (hopefully turned friend), and the knowledge that maybe I am not ready to be fluid-bonded to a partner yet. Maybe I need to stick to light dating because maybe I am still too tender… Except, the thing is, he was cool with it. He was understanding, he was supportive. He didn’t try to minimize my problems or my boundaries.

There was no other shoe. What seemed insurmountable was, in fact, not. Just really hard, but I know that, each time, it will probably get easier. Everything was okay.

All of that inspired this mix for that person…

So Take It Easy (08/23/11) - http://ge.tt/9gd5y77

Song list…

1. Addicted To Love (Robert Palmer Cover) by Florence + The Machine
2. All My Mistakes by The Avett Brothers
3. Fix You Up by Tegan And Sara
4. Of Moons, Birds & Monsters by MGMT
5. Armour Love by La Roux
6. This Too Shall Pass by OK Go
7. Closer to Fine by Indigo Girls
8. My My by Menomena
9. Rise by Rainer Maria
10.  Wake Up by The Arcade Fire
11. Emergency! Emergency! by The Promise Ring
12. Know Better Learn Faster by Thao With Get Down Stay Down
13. Folds In Your Hands by Passion Pit
14. Like u Crazy by Mates of State
15. If There’s Such A Thing As Love by The Magnetic Fields
16. You’ve Got The Love by Florence + The Machine
17.  Livin’ Thing by Electric Light Orchestraa
18.  Feeling Good by Nina Simone
19. Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin) by Sly and The Family Stone
20.  Lazy Confessions by The Moldy Peaches
21. Thank You Friends by Big Star

So, there’s all that. Those of you who have known me for a long time know this already, but, for those of  that I post all this in public not only to make myself accountable for my own choices and healing, but also to process “out loud” for myself… And also in the hopes that anyone dealing with any similar issues might relate or find meaning in all of this and feel less alone in their own struggles. <3

Big sighs today. Just because you fall in love someone, doesn’t mean they can meet your emotional needs.

I am still healing from so much that new, unintentional, small wounds can seem insurmountable…

And, when hurt, however accidentally, I need a lot of action taken to heal, not just sweet words. Words are nice, but so easily faked… Which is how I got to this condition, being with someone who lied or false-promised too often. What action though? Gosh, I don’t even know, but things don’t feel okay now. Being this way makes me feel so high maintenance, but I guess that is just how it is when the l-word jumps in and you become fluid-bonded. Maybe I am still not ready and it doesn’t matter how nice everyone is or how much I want to trust them. My hurt is deepening because it’s like the other people involved just get to move on and I am stuck, my heart is frozen with fear because of a little accident. Well, to be fair to myself, a little accident right after some lack of sexual health awareness. I don’t want to be stuck, but words don’t seem to be enough to ease the pain of a boundary crossed and the feeling that something has been taken away from me, however accidentally.

I talked to my counselor about it yesterday, I talked to some poly friends about it today, I came to some more conclusions, but goddamn if everything isn’t a work in progress all the time.

So, I made a status update about my friends consoling me while I was crying… And how nice that was instead of being yelled at, because that was the main reaction of my primary partner for over a year. He would usually yell me when I started crying, turn any problem I was having around and say I was accusing him of something, then often he would leave and go drink most of the night.

His response was to make a public post about how nice it was to be with someone who didn’t slap him in the face.

I didn’t come out about the physical abuse in our relationship publicly because I was embarrassed and because part of me still want to protect him. I think I am done with those ideas.

The first time my ex shoved me in a violent and physically aggressive way was the same night he also showed up to a date I was on.. That he knew about because we had decided to go poly. We had decided to go poly because he had been lying to me about being in contact with an ex (the same ex he had cheated on his wife with, which helped end his marriage), I knew and I knew that he was lying about it. I should have broken up with him then and there. It was 3 months into our relationship. Instead, I started flirting with a guy, started lying to him about it. I confessed to him, he confessed to me. I told him that I wasn’t really made for monogamy and asked if he really thought he was, since he had a history of cheating. I told him that I would have probably cheated before if I hadn’t accepted that I wanted to be with more than one person and been open to polyamoury with some core values surrounding honesty and openness. So he agreed to try it and to try to be more honest, as did I.

Back to the date… He had been drinking all evening while I was on my date, feeling jealous, and decided to come where I had honestly told him I would be. I had been texting him throughout the date with updates, trying to reassure him and be open, but my phone had died. That had infuriated him, he though I was just ignoring him. When he got to the bar, he started yelling things to the whole bar, things like “Let me buy a whole roung for everyone, to celebrate the new love between Christina ‘Blue’ Crow and [guy I was with]…” I rushed out, crying, and he followed me. He grabbed at me, asked me to just listen, then finally shoved me against the brick wall until my date walked up. Then he tried to talk to my date, saying, “I understand, I have cheated before..” and so on. We left in a hurry to his car. I didn’t go home for days because I was too scared to. I felt like I was 14 and my drunk mom had show up at school “to take me dentist” all over again.

He apologized, he begged, he pleaded. Somehow, I convinced myself that I deserved it because I had lied to him initially about that relationship… Even though he was lying to me. And, you know, he had never treated me like before. Somehow I convinced myself that shoving and trapping me wasn’t the same as hitting me. I was already caught, I couldn’t even see how fucked up it was or that I should get away from him.

The next few months, there were many occasions I should have left. He would yell at me most any time that I would be hurt about something (which was a lot, I was getting more and more depressed while with him), causing me to feel more hurt and cry more, then he would yell more, then leave and go drink the night away, coming back to the house sometimes, sometimes sleeping at his store, sometimes who knows what. Often when he would yell at me, he would also demean me and call me names out of anger. He got a DUI pretty early in our relationship, but would continue to drink and drive. One night, he picked me up from a volunteer shift that I had and we were arguing (about him lying about talking to a woman that made me uncomfortable) and he had been drinking, he was about to do the regular routine of leaving me after yelling at me for while on the drive home, but as I got out of his car, I took his keys. I told him to please leave, but not to drive because he had been drinking. This really triggered him in some way (he told me later that he thought I was treating him like a kid) and he started grabbing at me. I couldn’t quite get away, he tackled me and shoved my face into the ground. He sat on top of me, pulled back my arms, hit the hand I was holding his keys in, etc. I actually called him some names, I told him he was a selfish asshole and a coward, that he wasn’t facing his alcoholism and that he was going to loose everything if he kept drinking and driving. I managed to not let go of the keys and he left… Then I followed him, apologizing. Thinking back on this, I feel sick to my stomach. He had just tackled me, bruised me, and so on, then I followed him to apologize for taking his keys, for calling him names (even though he had been calling me everything in the book for months and accusing me of being like his ex) and I wanted to try to be there for him. To try to work it out.

During the past year, he would get mad at me for planning dates when he had none, rushing to try to sleep with other women, making me feel unsafe and uncomfortable… I tried to suggest we go monogamous to work on things between us, but he kept lying to me about who he was talking to and would randomly text women to hook up, so then I lied to him again about someone else and then confessed to him about it, a couple weeks before finally asking him to move out. We had tried to go open again in those couple of weeks, but he would cancel plans on me, he would still yell at me when I was hurt, he would try to turn even nice things around on me, like when I gave him a mix cd for Valentine’s day or made him dinner.

Over this past year and change, I hung out with my friends less and less. I felt worse and worse about myself. I felt too shamed to ever tell them everything, but some friends kind of saw what was happening and tried to talk to me about it. Even then I wouldn’t fully be honest with them or myself about what was happening. One time, 6 months ago or so, he heard me talking to my friend Katy and he freaked out on me. He tried to say some stuff to her to embarrass me, then, when she was gone, he yelled at me for not being private enough or for only giving my side of the story. Katy asked me if I had tried to talk to him about nonviolent communication, she told me I should feel like I could talk to my friends. She was right and she had no idea how nonviolent he was towards me.

In December, after we had been together for over a year, I became upset with him one night when we were with some other people and I slapped him. I couldn’t believe my behavior. I couldn’t understand where it came from. I felt ashamed, I felt confused. After I slapped him, we went into another room and I tried to apologize and talk to him, but he shoved me to the floor and hit me with the door of the room several times. The next day, he had a black eye and I was covered in bruises. Something was wrong. I didn’t know how I had gotten to this point. I blamed myself. I didn’t even consider that the way he had been physically shoving me around for over a year and physically intimidating me was a problem, still. I called up my counselor that I saw for 3 years when I was 19 to 22 and made an appointment for a few weeks later.

Before we ever dated, we were friends. I knew he was coming out of a bad marriage, but I saw him as the victim of emotional abuse from her. I knew he had cheated, but I blamed her because she was mean to him. Now I wonder what really happened between them. Now I wonder what to believe and what not to believe. I know that I saw countless texts from her to him that were really harassing and abusive, so I always thought that maybe he was so mad at me because of how she treated him or how his mother treated him. It was another way I excused his behavior, thinking he was just mad at them and would soon see I was nice and not trying to hurt him, then chill out.
When we first started dating, he was so fun and exciting, always ready to go out, always ready to try something new. I tried a lot of new things with him too, things I don’t regret but that were really life changing for me. I think how great our relationship was for the first 3 months contributed to me thinking I just had to try harder to be nicer or more fun so that we could go back to that. I thought that I should just try harder to be nicer, to show him that I wasn’t attacking him when I was crying, I was just hurt. I even started sitting on the floor below him to make myself as small and non threatening as possible. Sometimes he would try, too. That, I think, made it harder for me to see that he was abusive. I felt that sometimes he wouldn’t yell. Sometimes he would be hitting things around me in the car and I would get out and start walking, but he would drive around, beg me to come back in, that he would stop yelling and being aggressive, and I would give in. Sometimes he would be kind, so I got sucked into a real loop of thinking that, when he did yell at me, it was my fault. That I had triggered him or that I hadn’t said what I wanted to say quite right, that I had to try harder to be nicer or sexier or less weepy. I asked him if he would go in the other room when he was mad and then come back when it had past and he even did that a couple times.  Every time he would lie, or yell, or shove me while angry, I would say that I just wanted to forgive him an move forward, that I just didn’t want it to happen again, that I just wanted to be happy with him again and have fun. But, every time, he would sabotage it. He would lie again, he would yell again, he would get physical when mad and drunk. I would skip work or even an volunteer shift because I would have been crying all night or bruised up, achey, from an altercation. I honestly don’t think he remembers half the times he hurt me as he was blacked out, but I know he must remember some because he wasn’t always that drunk or even blacked out.

As we tried to reconcile, I was really facing what had been happening. I was facing that I had been in a physically and emotionally unsafe environment for over a year with a partner that would lie to me consistently, constantly making me question my reality. I had completely enabled it but letting him cross my every boundary with no consequences. Even post-me-asking-him-to-move-out-finally (over a week ago), I asked him not to attend an event I wanted to attend because I wanted to go and feel safe and have space from him. He did agree eventually, but he argued first, one of his arguments being that I was having a “pity party.” Even now he still is trying to make me feel bad about being hurt, not just pretending everything is normal and keeping everything bottled up inside.

I have every reason to feel unsafe around him, especially when he’s been drinking and, even when we were together, he would show up at random places I would be at, drunk, with the intention of embarrassing me (that date was not the only time, there were other events he’d show up at, times he would drink all day, skip work, and show up somewhere unexpectedly). His latest status update, his passive aggressive revenge on me for posting that I was thankful to be around friends who would console me when I was crying instead of yelling at me (as I had been crying last night, at an event he might have been going to, feeling sentimental because I had been asked by some people where he was, people who didn’t yet know we were broken up and he moved out). Those people were all so nice about it, offering hugs and kindness, that it was a good reminder of why I was out of that relationship. His reaction was another good reminder. He’s willing to publicly talk about me slapping him (then complain about me not being private enough or airing dirty laundry), but still not willing to talk publicly about his yelling at me, shoving me, shoving me against things, grabbing me, hitting things around me (being physically intimidating while yelling at me), tackling me (even shoving and grinding my face into our front driveway), and so on. A couple days ago he agreed that he had been abusive and said that we had both made mistakes in our relationship. Now, just a few days later, while he’s mad, he’s saying he never did those things and that he never lied or cheated on me. He’s inconsistent and can barely keep his own lies straight, in denial about his alcoholism and his abuse. I don’t have a history of lying, cheating or being physical to a partner and I don’t ever want to live that way again.

I am done being embarrassed and silent.

Finally drawing the lines my counselor has suggested to get back to being me and being okay. I have lived for over a year thinking I deserved all of this and not even realizing what I was letting happen. Growing up with an abusive alcoholic means that unhealthy relationships can sneak up on you even when you think you’ve grown up and set good standards for yourself…

I let someone else’s anger and risky behavior infect me, but I am trying to cleanse now. I asked my primary partner to move out so I can have my house and my space back. It’s been years since I wanted someone so close to me and I feel so frustrated that I picked that someone so poorly, but he really played off of all my issues. It was so hard to see, however, because he could be so fun and so exciting. I always wanted to give him a clean slate of forgiveness and push forward to the next good time, but you can’t keep having good times with someone who has a need to fail at love so intensely….

And every time I tried to talk about it with anyone, I was shamed about it or made to feel guilty until I was so wrapped up in it I couldn’t see straight. For those of you who fault others for not being more private, I know you’ll hate that I am posting this, but I am me and I need to have a voice to recover from being sucked into such an abusive relationship. I had done so well in romance before, not to say every love was a success or that I hadn’t been dumped before, but just to say I wasn’t with anyone who was so blatantly an alcoholic and so cruel to me when I was hurting. I am so disappointed in myself that, after years of being an adult, I succumbed to this. To being with someone who crossed my boundaries, who pushed me, who got angry and yelled at me when I was sad, who would lie to me so often that I started lying too, who would insult me in fights, who would insult me just for being myself, who got so deep into my life that I don’t even know how to begin unraveling it. I was so clearly his rebound from an abusive relationship that he was still reliving, but I really thought that I could help. I should have known that it was bad for me the very first time he ever yelled at me in anger while I was crying. Or perhaps when he showed up drunk at a karaoke place while I was on a date and tried to embarrass me. That was 3 months into our relationship and I should have stopped there, but I was already in love and I thought we could work through his issues. Instead a lot of his issues became mine and changed my behavior in negative ways that I don’t even want to begin to think about… But I do everyday and those changes have been a huge wakeup call for me. I don’t want to be that person.

Looking back, it’s really embarrassing. I was so clearly trying to win the love of someone who was hurting me because I was not me when he yelled at me and treated me that way, I became that abused child again and all I could think was, “Just try harder.” It’s embarrassing and scary to be reminded that person is still in me, able to be brought out when I hook up with a partner that feeds into my issues. I am glad that I went so long not being that person, but she’s still in there.

There were good times and I hope to hold onto them as my memories of us. Ultimately, he can be so kind and has good intentions. I hope he learns to be with someone closely without anger and resentment one day because he is capable of so much good. He can be so much fun and was very great in bed. He taught me a lot of new things about myself that are fun and interesting. I am very thankful to have had him in my life, even though we didn’t do a very good job with each other, especially toward the end. This was the longest relationship I’ve ever had and I will miss a lot about him and even about living with him.

Now I just want to breath again.